Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Set of Problems

                           August 22,2013
*hidden post

I know I've talked about this topic a lot, and probably more right now than I have in a few years...but man it's been incredibly difficult this last year.  Truly.

 Sometimes I wonder if I traded one set of problems for another and really wonder if one is any better than the other...I still can't answer that question.

I don't think I ever turned out the way people had hoped...I think for them I fell short of their expectations, which then in turn makes me the black sheep of the family.  Or that's how I see myself anyway. 

I did things people felt I shouldn't have done, didn't have good enough reasons to do, didn't ask their seasoned advice, and pretty much went and did what I wanted much to their indignation horror.

I have done things I swore I would never do...part of growing up and thus far I don't regret them but they'll certainly make for interesting conversations with the boys later on in life.  Go ahead and try and explain that one mom!

These things I feel have, for whatever reason, affected some family members and how they treat me and my boys and husband.

I don't know how to explain it or put it into words right now, but the consistency at which we are left out of things and not invited to things for some reason I have yet to come up with, is literally quite painful to the gut.  There isn't any reason, good or bad, for why we haven't been invited or why we've been left out. 

What happened to unconditional love? Just because you don't agree with whatever I'm doing or raising my kids or whatever the issue is, doesn't mean you get to just pretend I don't exist! Does it? I mean if it does then let me know and I'll go from there, I'll give it a good college try from there.  It might be easy to do that if we lived thousands of miles apart but for heavens sakes we live in the same state!

Who this really effects though are the boys...and then family get all upset when my kids don't really talk to them or complain that they don't know not my problem! I make every effort to get them to places for family to see them, when I can.  However the road works both ways...I don't need to be driving all over God's country and back...get in your car and drive yourselves here and get the heck involved!  It's certainly a no brainer but just can't seem to make it click with these boys but yet it's managed with many other family/children.  So can't wrap my head around that one...seems to me they are taking it out on the wrong person and people are missing out on my children.

I know this just seems so disjointed but I'm all over the place right now...I know I'm hurting and I'm trying to move on and heal myself.  I'm trying to forgive... I feel like that's all I'm trying to do lately in a lot of areas in my life...I must need to learn how to master this or get better at it because this is like a constant theme in my life...

I just got a stark look into reality today when I was told one of my children prays at youth group for a family member.  Stopped me in my tracks, made me cry and about brought me to my knees.  Because I can't honestly say that this person who my child prays for cares enough about him to do that or cares???

IF they do care...well it's sure an interesting approach to caring, I suppose.  More often than not lately I've had to ask myself if it's ok to hate family...does it make you a horrible person.  I totally get that hate is a really strong word and we don't use it regularly at our house and it's discouraged when referring to a person (doesn't matter who it is), and yet I find myself thinking it about people.  I still love them but I think I hate them.  I've even asked people if it's ok to think/say/feel that way...been told yeah it's ok, as long as you are still respectful/civil...basic  humanness I guess. 

When it comes down to it though, I leave all the window/doors of opportunity available to each party, and I do my best to make what I can happen.  We've done what we can/could and the rest of the relationship/s are up to the other parties.  I/my kids/husband can't do it all.

 I also know it's my job to change the nature of the relationship...I whole-heartedly believe to my bones, that people are not full-filling roles and people's expectations are not being met. So things need to change, that way the role perhaps changes? I'm struggling for words to describe what I'm feeling.  I think I love  my family...but such roles/titles, well I'm not getting anything out of them and I'm big enough to say it, but perhaps they are not getting what they want from be based on my status/role.  So things need to change and I have been seriously struggling with how to do that?

 How do you DO that??? Million dollar question right there everyone!  I don't have any answers I just know I need to change me and how I look at things and change my expectations.  Not lower them or throw them out the door all together, at least not yet, but change them and see if that doesn't do it.  It has to change because I can't handle being let down, hurt, frustrated, angry, and so many more rampant emotions anymore.  It wreaks havoc on me, husband, and children.  It comes right back to being only able to control me and what I do, think, and say.  That's where I'm trying to start...I'd like to say slow and steady wins the race but man I think we are moving even slower than a turtle at this point.

Maybe the more I do it the more it will feel better?  I don't know, I wish I had the answers but like I said before.  I'm pretty sure I traded one set of troubles in my short life of 35 for another set of troubles.

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