Sunday, April 1, 2012

Choices

                         11/7/2013

So the last couple of years...OK yeah couple of years with the last year being the hardest for making some huge relationship choices.

In the last year I have had to really look at a specific relationship and really tell myself that what my expectations are of them is unrealistic...that they will never be what I need them to be for me and that there is a possibility that if I'm not being fulfilled in that way, that perhaps I'm not doing much for them either. 

What!?!  I know shocking, but a reality...and I will say just as shocking for as it is you! For sure!

So with this realization comes the question/s...what do I want from them? Anything? Something? And realistically what are they able to give me? Not what I want, that's been true for, well for 20+??? So what does that mean for our relationship? Can it change? Do they know what they want? (not sure I want to bother asking that one...not sure if it's worth it...I could be really wrong about this but things have been this way on both sides for 20+ years...soooo).  And after so long do I really want to put for the effort??

For the last year I've been really struggling with the question "What do I WANT from them and this relationship???? I haven't the foggiest! I do know that I don't want what I have now...it's not good for me, or my boys.  I'm not getting what I need or want.  To both sides it  probably feels one-sided and no effort on the other's part. I will freely admit... I have quit trying...not seeing a pay off for me or them.  I have been acting like they aren't here...and even that's not worded  right because I know they are here/there but maybe acting like the role they have been in is gone and slowly trying to move them to a different role/title??  Maybe I need to mourn the loss of that role? Wouldn't be the first time that's been suggested by someone or thought of by me. 

But because I am who I am...I have a hard time walking away...they have done many great and wonderful things for me and for that, I am so grateful that they did the right thing for me. Those lines just don't seem to do them or what they did justice...they sacrificed a lot that's for sure, some of which I'm sure I will never know.

 I think...think what I want from them is a different name/role from them for me...not sure how to go about that, and that's been the kicker of it all. How do you change the relationship? What would be easiest right off the top of my head is to have a talk with them.  First off I just don't have a desire in my heart for this... yet (or never)...it sounds dreadful (not that this whole thing is easy) and I think I'm probably past that.  I think I'm past thinking things can change, especially since this is like the second time we've been at it...now I'm ready to go down a different path. 

The key to all this for me, is to not get my feelings hurt over things that happen w/o me or with me (looks so much better on paper than having to actually deal with those feelings) or how my kids are being treated by these people or the lack there of.  When other kids are being treated like a prince and mine like scraps of dirt.  The time will come when that will be discussed about my kids and I will have to be brave and be very honest about that and say what needs to be said. God be with me when that happens...I don't want to be at a loss for words...I want to be strong and respectfully say what needs to be said.

I think if I slowly distance myself and really work on me and my feelings I think that's how the relationship will change, at least on my end.  They will have to be responsible for what happens or doesn't on their end.  I can only change me and worry about me and what I do and say.  So I will keep lines of communication open (I have already been writing notes here and there to them, letting them know what we are up to and how we've been doing) and I will allow communication with them and my boys should either side decide to open or use those lines.  So far, neither side.  Although I do believe it's their side (not my children's) to open those lines.  They are children and you have to draw them out, children are selfish and at times can't think or see past their own nose (they are willing, SO willing to do this with other children in the extended family but fail miserably (that's putting it mildly) with my children. I believe, for now, it's their job to initiate by any means available.  They have not.  I don't keep my kids from communicating with them, but neither side has shown an interest and I found it exhausting trying to do it for my kids (and the other people in this)  all the time and I will no longer do it, I will not facilitate and call and make things happen.  It needs to happen on both sides...mine are old enough to ask me and help me make it happen.  I will try, to the best of my abilities at the time, to be respectful (as I hope they would do the same for me and see me in that light, that I'm deserving of those things also...because I am) to them and the situation.  I'm not sure what more I can do, but let time do it's thing.  I hope that in that time I can work on me and be OK with me and let, go that what is going on is not because something is wrong with me as a person.  I also hope that I will be able to work on forgiving and to be honest with them when the time comes.  Honesty will be key for me and to have the strength and the courage to say it.

I will be OK.  There are people who enjoy me and my family.  There are people who love me. I am/will be OK w/o these figure-heads/titles in my life.  I am working on me.  I need to forgive.  I need to be honest I need to move on.  I need to feelI will hurt from time to time. I want to be me. There are people who know my heart, and love me in spite of it. I will pray.  I will love in my capacity. I will learn Grace.


I am me
I am OK
God Loves me
God Loves them
There is Grace for me and them
There is Forgiveness for both
God is with us all

Please Lord help me to practice and remember these things and bless this endeavor and all involved.





 

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