Thursday, May 3, 2012

Forgivness and Grace???

                                                                                               11/3/2013

**I preface this posts and ALL  my posts with, there are 2 sides to every story, mine is probably not well rounded and skewed by what I remember( or the lack of what I remember)...my side of it.  I am probably not right nor am I probably wrong...I think there is a middle to all of this, just not yet found???  I also may not be ready to hear the other side, nor the other half ready to hear my side...and that is alright too-well at least I'm trying really hard to work on that and have it be alright.  It may also be a mute point and people have dealt with their feelings about things  and moved on and don't want to go back and deal with things...it's no longer important and have made their peace...and that is ok too.  This is about me and me processing things, writing it out, talking it out, sounding it out, coming to a conclusion or not, finding where I'm wrong or finding something out about myself that I didn't know.**


I don't know where to begin...like always.  Things always crop up and I'm whipped right back to that memory and feeling.

This time, though it was a FB a friend of mine shared about how it might be time to back off on the college care packages to her son.  It's his first year at college and she's been sending packages...a lot...and quite a bit in them as I understand.  Anyway, I said well at least he knows he's loved...right? Because it could be like when I went to college.  When I went to college it started with me packing up my WHOLE room and putting it in the garage and taking what I could to school.  We got me to my room and all my stuff and said our good byes and such and then my parents gave me $50...for what I can't remember...they may have told me.

What I wrote to my friend was, at least he knew he was loved. That it could have been my experience...where I was given $50 and no one called or checked up on me until around the time for Thanksgiving Break...then I found out, much to my shock, that I was to find my own way home and I also must find my own way back.  My parents were not going to come and get me...I totally thought every one's parents came and got them or they at least had a vehicle or something to get them home.  Then after getting home from Turkey Break I didn't hear from them until Christmas break...nothing. I was left on my own. Then if  I wanted to come home for Christmas break I had to find my own way...cause a Freshman in a dorm room has any other choice to stay??? Yeah...I believe I paid my way to a greyhound ride...and begged for a ride back home, but that's a whole other story.

These thoughts as I was talking to Frank brought up a lot of feelings I'd thought I'd forgotten or ...I don't know what....stuff I guess.

And it's not just the past I need work on, it's the current and not so far in the past and really the future I need help with and a continuing heart for forgiveness. And to do better and be better and show better? I'm not better than anyone but I can certainly break the cycles and do better because I know better?  At the very least do better by my kids...right?  It's OK to try and do that and be that...I hope.  Because I don't wish on my kids much of what I experienced as a child/toddler and a teenager/young adult.

What does Forgiveness mean?

--Forgive: a. to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
                 b. to grant relief from payment of
                 c. to cease to feel resentment against

Two things I know, but I don't think I'm very good about, is that God forgives us as far as the east is to the west and forgets about It, wipes the slate clean so to speak.  The second thing is that to forgive to is a step by step, moment by moment, second to second thing...you don't just forgive and it's gone.  Is that part of our human nature? We are always in a constant state of forgiveness...we are not God or Jesus...we are human with failures.  Just when I think I'm getting somewhere I have moments where I wonder.

So many things done as a child, and as a teenager.  Many things still upset me...who makes their kid pay for all their graduation things? Who does that??  OK, well except for graduation pictures that I didn't want.  I wanted professional but all I was offered was the only thing I was gonna get...so took it I did.  Do I like them...NOPE! They are not something I look fondly on and that makes me sad because it's not something I can get back. HOWEVER, it's something I can make sure doesn't happen with my children. I can make a different choice!!!  How can I still be upset about this 16 years later!?!  As for the things as a child...it is so much easier to say/think you've forgiven if it's out of site and mind...I often wonder if I have actually forgiven the atrocities from my childhood.

Probably because this type of caring or what have you continues to this day...I guess.  Does that mean we are in a constant state of forgiving? Does it ever get easier?

Which brings me to my next quandary...where does Grace fit into all this?

--Grace: a. unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification
              b. a virtue coming from God
              c. a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

What the heck are we suppose to do with that!?!  How do I show these people and all the different situations Grace?  I know the meaning of my name and this word simply define my life and I am to learn something through out my life about this word and how I define it.  My name...Anita Grace...means Grace Gracefully...

I whole heartily believe this word and what it means and what God calls us to do with grace defines my life...in a constant state of learning this lesson...whether I'm doing it well or not remains to be seen...however if I had to guess I think I'm failing...lol thankfully God shows us grace and understanding...and a whole lot of patience!  Thank heavens for his patience!!!

I also need to understand in my heart that it's OK to want to do better and be better than what was shown to me. 

I also need to write this down, get it out and to move on.  I need to move on...I have DONE better, I am better, I know better, and my boys will KNOW w/o a doubt in their mind that I love them unconditionally even though I don't agree/like/understand/or what they did is outright wrong and unlawful...I will LOVE them!!

I do believe God has given me a job with my boys...to raise them different than I was...by both sets of adults in my life, to raise Godly men and men who don't hurt their wives and children, to break the cycle of so many things in my families...to raise them better than a lot of the examples of men I've had in my life. To make sure they know they are loved...there is such a thing as unconditional love (at least in my world there is, how can there not be???)  This is so rudimentary, my thoughts, feelings and getting this down  and not quite what is in my heart, but those who count in my life know my heart and where I'm coming from...and know what I mean.  And God knows what I'm trying to say.
        
As I'm typing this I'm talking to a friend and she has given me a new line to use and practice using...

"I've dealt with this, go away!"
 
So practice I will and I will continue to write out my thoughts, much like this, and then say...I have dealt with this, go away!  To also stay in the moment and practice forgiveness and grace...I do believe they go hand in hand...that you can't do one with out the other.

 

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