Monday, April 30, 2012

Lack of A Filter

You know, some people lack a filter system on their person.  I was hoping I'd have calmed down a bit from Saturday but I haven't...much anyway.

OK, so here is what happened...and if you know me at all you know I'm not quick witted and the quickest thing I can come up with is 'Oh Yeah'...really scary right?  OK, back to my story.

I am a person who struggles with her weight. I am working hard at teaching myself to treat me right when it comes to food and everything that entails.  Proportions sizes, moderation, you don't have to clean your plate (SO HARD!) eat WAY more veggies and fruit, and eat a variety and don't get bored with food.  You know all those thing...I wasn't taught those things really that I'm aware of.  So, as you can imagine growing overweight and being in school was hard.  Same story as other people who deal with this.  I now am responsible for 4 boys to teach/pass on what I know to them, and can I be honest.  This is really hard especially when my children talk like I starve them...and I don't. 

Anyway, Ian is just right for Ian...that doesn't mean this mom does not worry or stress that he might be overweight...he's got the spare tire thing going, but I'm also waiting for that growth spurt...and it's coming...slowly.  So we are at Ian's baseball game on Saturday and some other child's mom on the team was hollering at Ian.  When Ian is up to bat he needs to swing like he means it, I agree with that.  However, I don't agree (well I'm mad so I REALLY don't agree) with this woman, yelling to my kid. " Swing hard Ian!  Big kids swing hard! YOU are a big kid!!"  Seriously!?!  I just turned and looked at this woman too stunned to even say 'Oh yeah!" How not affective would that not be???   So I sat there, still didn't say anything and prayed Ian would just ignore it. 

The game continues on and Dru and Eli are with me on the benches and I have brought snacks with me.  It's 9am and no park close by to let them play at, there is only so much to entertain a 5 and 3 year old.  I had banana's, fruit leather, crackers and Gatorade and some kind of rice cake thing.  The same woman I believe, commented on this whole thing.  Gee you guys eat a lot, all you have been doing is eating.  You have eaten a banana, crackers, fruit leather, blah blah blah.  She also commented that my 2 boys eat more than her son (on team, so we can assume he's 9/10yrs old) and that my kids haven't stopped eating since we got here, blah blah blah. 

Again, so ON top of my feet I just turned around and looked at her and blinked several times.  All I can think is, well I could let them eat the whole bag of chocolate candy their grandma had the whole 2 hours I was there and let them bounce off the bleachers and let them do whatever?  People just have NO filter and are SO incredibly rude!

If I hear one more time, 'are they ALL yours' I'm going to practice saying no I kidnapped them...want one?  OR...and this one is good and a pet peeve...4 boys....were you trying for a girl?? REALLY!?! I might just say, were you trying for that look or did it just happen? 

Ugh! 

Well, hopefully getting that off my chest helps a bit, but the problem is I have to see this person for awhile...it could get ugly...

Friday, April 27, 2012

One o Four

He is just so handsome and he's 1 of 4...the youngest!  I tell you what I try hard to not do the whole 'baby thing...I'm failing!  Look at him though!  Honestly...could you do it?  That's what I thought...you couldn't!  I love this picture and I'm patting my own shoulder...pretty darn good if you ask me.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Lions...Tigers...

AND REPTILES!?!?!

Yup, reptiles!! Today Dru's preschool had the Reptile Guy come and talk to them and show them different things.  I have seen this show I think 4 times now and it really never gets old.  Now don't ask me the names of the animals...I don't know :)

I just remember with this guy that he has a lot of pokey things to make him look less tasty to another animal.
 Here is Eli...he had such a good time!

 This here is an Iguana...he's actually pretty old in Iguana years...geriatric was the description...poor thing!
 He is always such a good sport and the kids love him...they love watching him eat Dandelions...
 Today was a treat, for us and him.  He got a banana WITH the peel for breakfast today!  SCORE!  However I think it got stuck, he was working on it for a long time, it wouldn't go down!  I think it's hysterical he's sticking his tongue out!
 A black snake.  His underbelly was beautiful...shiny, like Obsidian rock.
 Then the best for last the Python...long, heavy, and huge!
 I crack myself up, this picture is too funny!
It was a good day!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Game Ball

Yesterday Lee had a baseball game.  His team are the Huskies...they even wear gold/yellow...mostly yellow.  Anyway, they played a good game and Lee did well and had some awesome hits!  He hit  ball all the way into outfield (why does that not sound right?).  It was such an awesome hit! 

Well after the games the team always meets in  huddle and talk about team stuff I guess.  I've never been a part of a sports team, so I'm assuming the Coaches are talking to them and praising them.  This game however, Lee was given the team ball for a game well played and for some awesome hits! 

He wouldn't let me take his picture last night but allowed me to take it this morning.  I am also proud of him for playing it through, well rather toughing it out last night at his game.  He had a pretty fantastic headache going and it was making it horribly painful.  He powered through all the way home and then let it go.  What a trooper!  Pretty sure it was his allergies giving him problems...everyone (including us) mowed our lawns, baseball fields were mowed and just downright issues with allergies! 

Way to go Lee! 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Cotton In The Sky


Pretty clouds in the sky...the bottom one looks like paint strokes.  Frank noticed that one at a Saturday game last week!  Good eye Frank!

Flower Fever

I have it.

I have it bad.
 
                                                                 I have flower fever!

                                                                It's Spring Time people!
                                                                      New things
                                                                 I love Spring!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Charlie on The Cusp of Spring

Recently I bought a new camera for myself with the extra money I had leftover from the Spring break that didn't happen all the way.  I really didn't think I'd get that camera until next year but here I a with the camera!!

So this was the first day I went out and gave it a try, Charlie is such a sporting subject and he puts up with me.  Thank goodness!

He sits like a good boy!
 I am glad I got a new camera, my old one was turning itself off and on whenever it felt like it...just plain old rude! Let's be honest, it was annoying!! Just in the middle of a picture and off it goes...

Charlie is so handsome!
 An action shot...he's kinda goofy looking here... Guess that means he fits in well here!  HA!
Well I am liking my  new camera and there are more pictures to share! 

My Ink Story

Long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
....in a different time and place is where my story starts.

For years I have had this story going through my mind and heart and have had it worded a hundred different ways.  I am still unsure of how to start this story of my journey.  Really all of our stories start when we are born and for most that works.  However I really can't remember much of my childhood before the 8th grade.  I remember snippets and sometimes something will hit me rock hard and I'm unsure if what I remembered is real or not, which makes for me feeling like I'm crazy most of the time.  Most of the time most memories are not pleasant...there are a few that are. 

I was a child who was abused and by an adult who all children trust...fathers...my biological father.  It wasn't until somewhere in my 7th or 8th grade year when I said something.  I can't tell you what exactly prompted me to tell someone, but I did.  I told my biological mother and from there the dominoes fell.  After I told my biological mother what was going on she told a friend and together they took appropriate steps...or so the friend thought.

I also told a school teacher what was going on...she did NOT do what any human being, let alone a teacher, by the state, was suppose to do.  One of many adults in my life that let me down. So life continued...CPS was involved...Social workers dropped the ball several times.  My biological mother chose to let the abuser back in the house...and it started all over for me again, he started abusing me again.  So finally it comes down to the biological mother and her friend, and things are tense in that relationship and I'm told I'm no longer allowed to speak or see her ever again, it's forbidden. 

This is where it gets good, so to speak folks, if a situation like this can be good.  This is where you see the Lord working and you see his Guardian Angels at work. 

I happen to have some baby clothes and baby things from this friend that I had borrowed, it was a class project.  Carry a sack of flour around and pretend it's a baby...you know the project I'm talking about.  Anyway, she still had a little person and would need these things back.  I was with out a doubt devastated by being told to not have any contact with this friend.  These things were going to enable me to have some form of contact with her...and then...

The moment had come for me, this was really a do or die situation.  This was going to be the moment where I decided if I was going to take the reigns and be in control of my life.  The adults in my life had either let me down in a big way, or at the time were under the assumption things were being done appropriately.  I decided that I would take control, thus far I had been taking care of myself and my little brother at the time anyway, why would this 1 big thing be any different? What did I really have left to lose?  I had no answer.  So I snuck several notes into the baby stuff that I had borrowed.  Just in case the stuff was checked for anything, like a cry for help, I made a few notes to this friend.  There was a diaper bag and a bottle and several clothes.  Now I don't remember exactly where I hid them all but I vaguely remember hiding something in the bottle?  I don't know if that's real or not.  Either way, I snuck some notes out and hoped and pleaded that this friend would find them and find them soon.  My life depended on it.

And I know it sounds drastic saying that, but I truly believe I would NOT be where I am today if it had not been for what I did and what this friend did (I know I keep saying 'this friend' but you have to remember up until this point I was only in 7th grade and she was at the time, my biological mother's friend...in time our relationship will evolve).  IF not for those things, with out a shadow of a doubt in my heart and mind, I would have been a teenage mom and my biological father would have moved us again (this was NOT the first time OR the second time in which I had told someone about what was going on...like I said...many adults, for as many years in my life let me down.) to get away and start the anonymity all over again.  I believe with ALL my heart these things would have happened, if it had not been for this friend and my actions and a whole lot of Guardian Angels!

If any of you know me, you know that I'm not a teenage mom...so, the friend found the notes.  She did what no one else had done for me.  She called CPS and stressed that at first, steps had been taken to get the abuser out and keep me safe.  That at first this was true, but as the story came out...said 'mother' didn't keep her child safe...in fact the abuser was let back into the house an abused again even though there was a protections order.  That we moved again and the abuser was let in again, and I was abused again...but since I was older a line had been crossed...it was now considered rape of a child and not molestation. She became brave and stood up for me and my brother, when no one else would...no one else....

After she called the ball started rolling and it rolled fast...so fast that some of it's a blur.  Here is what I remember.  She called CPS...Social workers came and my biological mother said I could be sent anywhere other than to this friend.  In all of this I had an Aunt and Uncle( my eventual legal guardians who became my adoptive parents) whom I just started having contact with (I can't remember the exact way it all happened).  I just knew that my biological parents didn't have much to do with them and so for all intents and purposes they were generally safe.  So I talked to them and they helped me with a class trip I was going on and somehow we stayed the weekend with them(I think?) and I told them some things. 

From then on my life changed.
 From them on the relationship between this friend and I has changed.  

This woman was my Guardian Angel...she saved me. 

Not everyone gets to know their Guardian Angels and I have been blessed getting to have her and her family, in my life. Someone tangible to have and hold on to, and Lord knows I have and do.  She has been an anchor in so many ways in my life and filled so many roles in my life that I needed and to be honest that I still need.  She's used my full name on me, been honest with me, told me when I'm wrong,  she's laughed with me, watched me give birth to 2 of my children and been on the phone numerous times for advice, but most of all she's been my best girlfriend.  I'd like to say I don't know where I'd be with out her, but I do know where I'd be, and it still makes me catch my breath at the life that was so close to happening.

I have known my friend since I was a little girl, for Pete's sakes she used to make me go out and weed her garden...said something like it was good for me.  HA! Her children are my brothers, and let me tell you I remember watching them when they were little and the oldest one, I was informed the other day, was going to turn 30!  30!?!  I can't wrap my brain around that one.  I have been blessed and ever so grateful to have known her close to 25 years now.  Who knew the winter of '88 I would meet my Guardian Angel? 

 God knew. 
God has a plan for what happened. 
He has a plan for my friend and I. 
If my life isn't proof enough that He is everywhere I'm not sure what would.

Nikki...as I write this I'm tearing up because I feel like this post just doesn't say it properly but I don't know what else to say or do.  I love you, not for doing what any person should do, but because you loved me and cared about me.  I have always felt that God placed you in my life as my Guardian Angel for so many more reasons than those moments.  He has a plan for you, me and us...I know he still uses you today, because I lack so many things/people in my life and you still fill those for me.  You are my Titus Woman...just need to lay off the wine a bit...bhahahaha.  Seriously though...thank you isn't enough...

I do have to say I LOVE that as our relationship evolves we I have become Louise to your Thelma...and that we take turns in those roles.  Just along for the ride...the ride of our lives!



Alright, now that I wrote the LONGEST intro to a post ever...I'd say sorry but with out it things wouldn't make much sense...

So, for the last 3 or so years I believe, Nikki and I have wanted to get tattoos representing us.  Finally I laid the gauntlet down and said I was saving my birthday money up and I was working at the time so I was saving that up too.  We were gonna get our tattoos during Spring Break and we were gonna go to her cousins place, Sabbath Tattoo in Bellingham.  We made a day of it, left the kids and didn't look back. 

We had pictures of what we were thinking and hoping the artist would look at it and run with it.  He did.  We knew we wanted Forget Me Not's somehow incorporated into both our tats.  The flowers represent Love.  This is what I found that I like best:
" This blue flower, though quite small in size, expresses sweet memories of true and faithful love, a soft cry- ‘Do not forget’ the sunny and cloudy days of a deep relationship"

She and I will not forget. 

So she got a bouquet of Forget Me Not flowers.  I chose to do a Guardian Angel representing her and everything she is in my life and her role she has had in my life and still does.  The angel is also a healing angel...

With this tattoo it almost feels a bit cathartic for me, like when I got it the pain, it was good to feel it.  Sounds weird I know. 
 
So here I am getting my tattoo placed on me

There it is...can't wait to see the final product.

Ready or not, here we go!  I'm all in now!

This cracked me up.  In case you had to pee, there's the sign.  Totally said majority of guys work here.

Phil, the artist for the day.  He did a great job, I couldn't be happier with the final product.

I won't lie, it was painful at times and when he'd get to the parts that didn't hurt so much, man there was relief!  Like I said before it felt cathartic and coming full circle...I'm lacking in words right now...they've all been spent in my above story! :)
Whew...wait!  You mean we only got the outline done?  Man I welted up fast!  Kinda weird to feel it all raised!

Almost done and with color!

1 hour later and the finished work...it's more than I could think of and I LOVE it!

Here is Nikki's tattoo...
With color...beautiful!!!  I could tell hers' hurt also...few times I thought she might come off the table.

Me and my friends, Nikki and Rita.  Ms. Rita came along to supervise us and keep us in line...or join in the fun...

Me...it was a good day!

Close up, still wonderful...so many emotions

Forever Thelma!

These next photos are where we got our inspiration for our tattoos. 

Bouquet of flowers
Close up...what a wonderful, little flowers!

OK, this was a tough post to write and took me several hours...well really I've known for years I've needed to tell this story but have  ignored it.  It's my ink story and it means so much to me...and yes I want more tattoos and have had several ideas for a few more.  Once you get one you really want more...it's a way of telling your story...some has meaning and others there's not story just something that is you or you like.

Thank you Lord for the Guardian Angels you assign to watch over us...seen or unseen!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Weapons HOT!


On Easter Sunday this year Ian got to try out his birthday gift, his BB gun.  Much excitement this day...Easter baskets, candy, grandparents house, cousin, and egg hunts...almost too much. 

I'm totally lame I know, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to edit the video to make it so the clips that are wonky aren't.  So, I'm sorry!

Ian had such a blast firing his gun and I did the total mom thing when he was working on firing the gun...you'll know the spot on the video.  What has me laughing every time is the moment when Ian gets ready to fire his gun.  He yell, "weapon's hot"...every time I chuckle!  He really likes this show called Sons of Guns and when these people go to fire off something they've built, fixed, or rebuilt, they say 'weapon's hot'. 

We all fired it off, yes even me...I'm still around to talk about it and so is everyone else.  I'm actually looking forward to the next time we get to take it to the grandparents place and fire it off again.  I'm looking to hit those itty bitty targets...I bet you can't find them in the video. 

It was kind of exciting to shoot the BB gun and to watch Ian do something he's waited a long time to do.  So, enjoy the video and the chuckle of my 'mom' moment and when Ian says 'weapon's hot'.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Trick Candles

I had a pizza party during Spring Break and we also celebrated Auntie Megan's 29th Birthday! Kids had blast!

So Grandma was pretty funny getting trick candles for my sister in law's birthday. I had a pizza party and we celebrated a birthday. The kids had so much fun and I love being Auntie!!

We had a good chuckle! Happy Birthday Megan!!



Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Family and Cabela's

Here are more pictures from Ian's party.  Part of the package deal for the party was the store provided a scavenger hunt, food for feeding the fish and some tokens for the shooting gallery they have upstairs.  I think the kids had so much fun and maybe a few of the adults, although some of them it was hard to tell.

Here is Ian with some cousins...but not...but whose counting right?  These boys have known each other since they were babies.  Somewhere I have a picture of the tallest boy holding Ian...too funny!
 Lee and my nephew...sometimes these two are stuck together!  They are only 6 months apart...
 This is my beautiful niece, who I can't figure out if she's calling to get answers to the Scavenger hunt or talking to her mom.  I love it because she's a willing  body to babysit my boys...and money helps too!  She's a motivated teenager! :)
 The littler boys, they were on the hunt with their dad/Uncle Frank.  Not that they can read but they had Uncle Frank all over the place.  If you looked at their paper afterwards though, they just had letters of the alphabet written down as answers.  It was hysterical!  But for two 5 years olds that's pretty good, I think they were just tickled they could walk all over the store with an adult following them and no one telling them to stop!
 Feeding the fish...11 kids and I'm sure those fish were full!
 At the kids' table, watching Ian open presents and getting about as excited as Ian was with each gift opening.  You wouldn't know it looking at this picture though!
 The MUCH anticipated BB gun that he will shoot his eye out with...He was over the moon!


I hope you guys aren't getting bored by my posts and catching up!  I can't believe how much I haven't posted yet! 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Ian's Surprise Birthday Party

So back in March Frank and I planned a 10th surprise party for Ian.  I was so excited and so was Frank.  It was actually Frank's idea, he said he could remember his first surprise birthday party and he thought he was 10 when it happened.  Besides it's a pretty big deal to turn double digits, right?  I'm guessing, I don't really remember 10.  Anyway, we planned for his party to be at Cabela's, which is an out door type store.  We absolutely LOVE it there, there is something for everyone there!  We've made it sort of a tradition in our family that we go every New Year's Eve, we didn't make it there last New Year's Eve but we came in March. 

Ian had no idea what was coming.  The day of his birthday came and went, and as you know he wasn't all that impressed with it, it kinda sucked in his words.  Well we showed him!  We invited people who love and like him and we had a blast.

The funny thing is when his dad brought him to the room where we were all waiting he was in shock and I think still a bit clueless about why we were all there.  I am posting the video I took of it and you can see it in his face...kinda just looking around wondering what's going on.  He finally does get it, that we are all there for him and for a surprise party.  I love my child's innocence.

Happy 10th birthday Ian!  It's one you'll remember for a long time and I hope that you will with happiness and smiles!

video

The big gifts he got was Poke'mon cards, money, and a BB gun from us...sounds like a great birthday party to me!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Catching Up

I am so sorry it's taken me SO long to post!  I have many excuses but instead how about I try and post about all the things we've been keeping busy doing!  We'll go with that!


So on March 25th at our church, they had a Bible presentation to the 3rd, 4th and 5th graders.  I was very excited for Ian.  He wasn't expecting it and so it was a bit of a surprise.  So here is Ian getting his Bible.


What I love about this Bible and it's presentations is that a few members in our congregations sponsored each kid and payed for their Bible and committed to praying for that kid for the year.  What a blessing!  I love it! Makes me all teary-eyed!


What I could really get all verklempt about is that Ian went out of his way tonight to read his Bible on his own time. THEN he came out to tell us what he was reading and where he was at in the story!  Sometimes those moments are enough to take my breath away and think that something is working in that boy.  It gives me hope that when we have those bad days, tonight was a night I need to remember and hold onto.  Because let's be honest, there are going to be more bad and rough days ahead!

The Bibles by the way are really, really cool!!  I love that they have made it look and read easy and keeps them interested...very cool!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Choices

                         11/7/2013

So the last couple of years...OK yeah couple of years with the last year being the hardest for making some huge relationship choices.

In the last year I have had to really look at a specific relationship and really tell myself that what my expectations are of them is unrealistic...that they will never be what I need them to be for me and that there is a possibility that if I'm not being fulfilled in that way, that perhaps I'm not doing much for them either. 

What!?!  I know shocking, but a reality...and I will say just as shocking for as it is you! For sure!

So with this realization comes the question/s...what do I want from them? Anything? Something? And realistically what are they able to give me? Not what I want, that's been true for, well for 20+??? So what does that mean for our relationship? Can it change? Do they know what they want? (not sure I want to bother asking that one...not sure if it's worth it...I could be really wrong about this but things have been this way on both sides for 20+ years...soooo).  And after so long do I really want to put for the effort??

For the last year I've been really struggling with the question "What do I WANT from them and this relationship???? I haven't the foggiest! I do know that I don't want what I have now...it's not good for me, or my boys.  I'm not getting what I need or want.  To both sides it  probably feels one-sided and no effort on the other's part. I will freely admit... I have quit trying...not seeing a pay off for me or them.  I have been acting like they aren't here...and even that's not worded  right because I know they are here/there but maybe acting like the role they have been in is gone and slowly trying to move them to a different role/title??  Maybe I need to mourn the loss of that role? Wouldn't be the first time that's been suggested by someone or thought of by me. 

But because I am who I am...I have a hard time walking away...they have done many great and wonderful things for me and for that, I am so grateful that they did the right thing for me. Those lines just don't seem to do them or what they did justice...they sacrificed a lot that's for sure, some of which I'm sure I will never know.

 I think...think what I want from them is a different name/role from them for me...not sure how to go about that, and that's been the kicker of it all. How do you change the relationship? What would be easiest right off the top of my head is to have a talk with them.  First off I just don't have a desire in my heart for this... yet (or never)...it sounds dreadful (not that this whole thing is easy) and I think I'm probably past that.  I think I'm past thinking things can change, especially since this is like the second time we've been at it...now I'm ready to go down a different path. 

The key to all this for me, is to not get my feelings hurt over things that happen w/o me or with me (looks so much better on paper than having to actually deal with those feelings) or how my kids are being treated by these people or the lack there of.  When other kids are being treated like a prince and mine like scraps of dirt.  The time will come when that will be discussed about my kids and I will have to be brave and be very honest about that and say what needs to be said. God be with me when that happens...I don't want to be at a loss for words...I want to be strong and respectfully say what needs to be said.

I think if I slowly distance myself and really work on me and my feelings I think that's how the relationship will change, at least on my end.  They will have to be responsible for what happens or doesn't on their end.  I can only change me and worry about me and what I do and say.  So I will keep lines of communication open (I have already been writing notes here and there to them, letting them know what we are up to and how we've been doing) and I will allow communication with them and my boys should either side decide to open or use those lines.  So far, neither side.  Although I do believe it's their side (not my children's) to open those lines.  They are children and you have to draw them out, children are selfish and at times can't think or see past their own nose (they are willing, SO willing to do this with other children in the extended family but fail miserably (that's putting it mildly) with my children. I believe, for now, it's their job to initiate by any means available.  They have not.  I don't keep my kids from communicating with them, but neither side has shown an interest and I found it exhausting trying to do it for my kids (and the other people in this)  all the time and I will no longer do it, I will not facilitate and call and make things happen.  It needs to happen on both sides...mine are old enough to ask me and help me make it happen.  I will try, to the best of my abilities at the time, to be respectful (as I hope they would do the same for me and see me in that light, that I'm deserving of those things also...because I am) to them and the situation.  I'm not sure what more I can do, but let time do it's thing.  I hope that in that time I can work on me and be OK with me and let, go that what is going on is not because something is wrong with me as a person.  I also hope that I will be able to work on forgiving and to be honest with them when the time comes.  Honesty will be key for me and to have the strength and the courage to say it.

I will be OK.  There are people who enjoy me and my family.  There are people who love me. I am/will be OK w/o these figure-heads/titles in my life.  I am working on me.  I need to forgive.  I need to be honest I need to move on.  I need to feelI will hurt from time to time. I want to be me. There are people who know my heart, and love me in spite of it. I will pray.  I will love in my capacity. I will learn Grace.


I am me
I am OK
God Loves me
God Loves them
There is Grace for me and them
There is Forgiveness for both
God is with us all

Please Lord help me to practice and remember these things and bless this endeavor and all involved.