Music That Moves You

I don't know about you guys, but there are times in my life that are defined by music. The summer after I graduated High school was Tom Petty and a whole lot of country. My first year in college was Garth Brooks and Shania Twain. There are times I hear a song and it takes be back to a time, good or bad, and makes me nostalgic or melancholy. Some of my all time favorites are Hymns, I love them! Often times on special ones I can hear my grandfather singing along, that's true of some country songs. I mean just the other day I put on a 60's country music station and heard a song and had to step back and let the memory run it's course. It was a song we had played when Grandpa Great was on his death bed and we were just playing music in the back ground. Some song about Laredo.

All that to say, there are some songs and an artist right now that Ive been listening too. Here are the lyrics to one of her songs that I use as a "get out the door song".

You Say

Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know You say I am loved When I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong When I think I am weak You say I am held When I am falling short When I don’t belong You say I am Yours And I believe I believe What You say of me I believe The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity You say I am loved When I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong When I think I am weak You say I am held When I am falling short When I don’t belong You say I am Yours And I believe I believe What You say of me I believe Taking all I have and now I’m laying it at Your feet You have every failure, God, and You’ll have every victory You say I am loved When I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong When I think I am weak You say I am held When I am falling short When I don’t belong You say I am Yours And I believe I believe What You say of me I believe Oh, I believe Yes, I believe What You say of me Oh, I believe

Every time I listen to this song the words move in different ways, like every day it's something different that speaks to me. Some days it about brings me to my knees. There are a few other songs that she has that I really enjoy. But for now, that one and Trust You is the other one I really listen too.

Alright, now I'm off to work. I have 2 jobs...first job I love and it doesn't feel like work, the other job IS work and I don't particularly enjoy it. BUT it's a job...I also opted to not work at the pumpkin patch this year.  I really should have...I miss working there and I know I'm going to miss the little paycheck as well. That money will be missed come early November and on into Christmas.  Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Hopefully next year I will be able to have  a spot there and work.  It will be tough and is always physically draining, and I miss out on things but that little paycheck really does make a difference in our little world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI

This link takes you ( I hope) to watch Lauren Daigle's video of You Say...enjoy

Musings of a Lost Woman

You know, I have had so many thoughts about what to post that I told myself you'll remember!  Seriously, I'm sitting here and the last laugh is on me!  I can't think of a thing, although I know I have a million things I could post about. It's the picking one and then putting it into words...yeah that part.

So much is going on in my tiny world that I just feel like I don't have time to process it all. Shoot I don't even know where to start!

You know , I have a few posts I haven't posted yet, rantings really. I read one just now and it made me sad. Sad because in 6 years, nothing really changed in some really important relationships. Like we tried all over again, but as of this last summer, well not even summer, try May. It all fell apart again. There isn't one thing but many things on both sides that  brought this on.  One side has opted to, in my eyes, essentially walk way. The other side, me, isn't quite ready to let it go (but maybe I should?) and walk away. Probably because that means giving up and I'm not sure I'm ready. Also, not sure I've done all I can to make it better. I'm also positive I'm not willing to back down on my stance on a few things, but also know I could do better in some areas.  Those areas I'm just out of practice or never had the habit to begin with. Some of that comes with the kind of relationship I have with them. They just aren't people I call and go to for much. Most people I think go to certain people for a lot of things, but I don't and haven't for a long time, maybe (well shoot now I have to figure out how old I am to figure that one out) 21 yrs now. Things have just always been rocky with some good times in between.

This relationship is a big part of what has been going on in my tiny world...So much to say but when one party isn't willing to listen anymore and they aren't willing to back down on their stance, we have a failure to communicate. That's what we have. I have asked to meet in person but was met with a no that will be pointless. I've asked for things to be clarified and was met with no clarification or trying to clarify but fell short because it was over texts. We ALL know that texting leaves things open for interpretation...never in a good way it seems. Texting has it's drawbacks...just saying. So now I'm left wondering and scratching my head. Have they just walked away from me or have they walked away from me and my boys and my husband?  Some days I think it's all of us, and others I think it's just me. 

I do text from time to time but they either choose to not reply or they have blocked my number. Email seems to work. Had to email them about one of my children and wondering if they were gonna go to a function later on. Seems they want the option to stay open but it's a crap shoot on what will actually happen.

I know I'm frustrated and I know they are too, but it seems to me that this isn't the best option either. However, I think it seems to be working for them and therefore have chosen to keep it that way until it no longer works for them. Which is sad, because they will be missing out on a lot of things and have certainly missed out on forging a relationship with my children in their formative years. It will be interesting to see how they handle that, the older they get and the older my boys get and if their will be any regret on their part. It will be interesting to see what my children do in the future. Outside of a birthday card and Christmas card every year, that's about what the relationship consists of...that I can see right now. Too bad it isn't more.

Too bad it's not more for everyone, including them and me and my husband.  I have regrets for sure, I wonder if they do? I wonder if they think they could have handled things different and responded different. I'm sure I could have, not sure on what though but there is always room for improvement. and Lord know I'm not perfect, because that's the way I was made, but there is ALWAYS room for improvement and change. Or in other words...Forgiveness and Grace!

Dang it if those words and actions don't keep cropping up for me!

Well the more I keep rereading this, the more it sounds and looks like gibberish...so lol, have fun reading the gibberish or don't read. This is really for me and REALLY hoping this helps my anxiety and insomnia. Because let me tell you people, it is really difficult to solve world problems on a lack of sleep.

On that note, I have children who are mad I locked the TV's , computers, and took phones away. So I must go and well, do nothing!

Until the next time come on and blather away....

Too much

Today was ok but by the end of the day I was, still am a hot mess. I can't get myself under control. There are not enough hours in the day to get jack nuttin' done and not enough money to go around! My boys should be pulling their weight, they arent. How does everyone manage? This is insane!! I don't think I have ever felt this kind of feeling. I can't even put into words what I am thinking. I just know I may explode soon. 

Sunday's

Ya'll...
Sundays are NOT for the weak! I take my boys to church. It's me against 4, well I take that back, Frank helps me get them out the door. It makes me weary. When will Sunday's stop feeling like they come from the pits of Hell? I want to go and be fed at church. Right now I feel like I'm herding cats, stray cats people!

This picture you see here, that's real life on Sunday for me. Now it may not always be this kid, I have 3 others. I think they tag team, really I do! This right here though, was a Sunday to top any Sunday I can remember in awhile. Truly awful. #reallife

It's brutal and it hurts me deeply. 

I can tell you right now, I'm already dreading next Sunday, well not next Sunday, but the one after that. I have a feeling this is my life for awhile. I already have a knot in my stomach about this. About Wednesday, I'll be gearing the kids up for it...which means a fight ensues with the one you see in this picture. Sigh...

Morning

Hello....my name is Anita and I feel like I'm going through puberty right now.  Also,  loving these hot flashed, they are something else. Doesn't matter how cold of a shower I take, nothing helps. Possibly less caffeine might BUT it's  also the first week back to school and full time work for me. Tea is not touching the exhaustion I'm feeling by the time the first half of my day is over. I do realize I go through this EVERY fall, which means back to my vitimin routine. 
OK well just a quick post about my zits and sweaty face, off to scarf breakfast and get to work.

1st Day of School 2019

OK on the note of the last blog I posted...Here I am folks!

Today was the first day of school for my kids. A lot has changed since 2017.  Some highs and lows and trying to find the silver lining in them all.  It was a great summer, the kids are getting bigger and were are traveling farther.  As always, school rears it's head and says it's time to go back, so go back we go!  Can't really say I'm all that sorry to see it here, I need that routine back. I never knew I was a gal that needed that, but maybe it's having kids that makes me need it. Chaos for 2 1/2 months is plenty for most.

So this year finds this guy in 10th grade, this is how he woke up and I was pretty sure this was the only picture I was going to get. So I snuck it...as funny as this is, this is pretty real life right now. Like the #reallife kind of life. This kid hates it when I use hashtags, so as an homage to him I use them, as often as I can. School is such a struggle with him I'm praying for a good year, better than last. He prioritizes better, cares more about where he's been and where he's going, and makes better choices. I need him to finish out this school career better than 9th grade. We've got some mountains to conquer with this one, which we can if he would believe in himself just a tad more.

I was pleasantly surprised he was willing to take the picture you see below...LOOK he even smiled a smidge.  Really get up close to this picture and look at his smile, it will be worth it. Also, please take note of his spiffy shoes.  Nike now makes super expensive shoes that look like a Hawaiian shirt was draped over it. He loves them and I didn't buy them, there is a special place in heaven for grandparents that take kids shopping. Thank you!

 This is my goofy goober, the supposed easy one...yeah the last year or 3 have all be lies!  This kid is starting 7th grade and I am hoping for a stellar year for him. He's the great hope you know...or something like that. He is doing an after school sport as well (Lee is doing a sport too, so busy kids).

Holy smokes guys!  This one is my Senior! He is hoping by the end of the month to drive. The last semester of his Junior year found him just shy of all B's...so no driving over the summer for him. Per our mantra, B's for keys, he didn't quite get there. However, he's not keen on driving the van...for some reason he thought hew as going to get to drive my Tahoe. Sadly I laughed uproariously at that and he was a bit bewildered. I informed him the van was his to drive until said van is sold.  This week we have Senior Pictures, so he's excited about that. ...  Ahhh please! Who am I kidding??  We all know he isn't and that the pictures are really for me!!  At least he's a good sport.  All in all, pretty exciting time for him and really for all of us. 

Well here are the 3 munchkins...yes Lee gets MUCH amusement from being taller than Ian. When I mentioned to Ian, at some point this summer that I thought Lee grew past him, it wasn't well received. Not possible, I'm the oldest!!  He swears that's not what he said. He may not have but it was written ALL over his face.  Ian is done growing, Lee has a little bit of growing to go, so it will be interesting to see that and just how long it takes Goofy Goober there to take off.

 Well, last but not least, the 5th grader! The last of the #paulson4 to be in elementary school! His outfit is interesting to say the least as well as his hair. God bless him he tries.  Like his dad said earlier today, fly your freak flag high! He flew it high today! Definitely be able to find him in a crowd!  Praying we take our last year of elementary and knock it out of the park this year!

Taking these moments when they are willing to be in the same breathing space as I am.  He was willing today. Also, felt bad he was taking a picture by himself, so we did a selfie. Maybe tomorrow when his cousin is here I'll take a picture of them. He might enjoy that more. But we sure do look good!

Well #mygalrainier was out in full force this morning when each of the kids left for school, by the end of the night though she was all covered up.  I do enjoy my view on my porch. It was kind of wild though how much she changed from when my big boys left to when the last left. Really amazing!

Alright, so now I've done the obligatory first day of school picture and post. It's also an hour past my old lady bedtime. I'll have to figure better time to do this, but as it seems, night time is probably the time. I have enjoyed doing this and I'm glad I started. I hope to have many more posts coming because the last post in 2017...well a lot has happened in our family! 

To all those families out there starting another school year.... "May The Odds EVER Be In Your Favor!"

Screw it

Screw it!

I've had it!

I'm an almost 42yr old woman and I have debated for too long about this blog. I let joy be taken away from me. I let someone else make me feel like there was an ultimatum. More than anything, I'm more mad at myself than I am  at the people that I allowed myself to be made to feel this way. That I allowed someone make me feel that way.

SO...here I am, I'm back. I'm back to blogging for as long as I can (seems blogging isn't much of a thing anymore...what!?!) I have missed this way to much and bemoaned it for far too long. I've made a stand, and here I am!