Tomorrow Eli turns 1. I don't like this one bit. I am trying to get through all these emotions with out turning into a blubbering idiot. I want ALL my time back...ALL of it! Chapters are ending...and beginning, but all I see are endings right now. The first 9 months were so hard (I think if he'd been my first he really might have been the last) but I want all the time I was pregnant and those 9 months back. I would go back and change some things during my pregnancy(stick to my guns and not have evicted my child, why didn't I stick to my guns? WHY!?!) and the first 9 months I would change my attitude. Maybe if my attitude had been different the first 9 months might not have been so hard, maybe more enjoyable?
SIGH!
My stomach is churning about tomorrow...the tears are hardly being kept at bay....I don't know if I can do this...all I see are endings...no more first holidays, no more taking first steps, first tooth, first smile, first anythings....all those have ended with more things in the future ending...he'll be 2 eventually, when he weans himself (I might come close to dying when that happens), when it becomes apparent it's time for him to leave my bed...
Is it really ever going to hit me that we are all done? There will be no more babies? We are done? This is so hard...so permanent (I know its too late for these things but I've never stopped feeling them). Really? No more babies? My heart is pounding! I can't catch my breath...must...stop...and...breath....in....out...in...out... Will I ever be OK that we are all done? Will it ever soften? Will it get easier?
I know our whole family is here...I feel we are complete...no one is missing...content. Why do I feel this way? Because the decision has been made that's why...I think...I think. Such finality. No going back, committed to a decision.
I don't know if I can do tomorrow...it's his party. People are coming...a party to be had. I don't want to. If we don't have the party he won't turn 1...denial. Trying so hard to put my brave face on, maybe tomorrow will fare better with that. How do I get through this? It will happen, I will just go into robot mode.
Drown myself in chocolate cake tomorrow and maybe a drink or several.
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