My Heart Just Isn't In It...

I was totally going to write about something else tonight but some bigger, more pressing issues have lent themselves to be a subject.

This last year has been really rough in dealing with a specific issue (Lord knows this year has been chock full of issues, but this one is a biggie), and I feel the need to tread lightly here because the issue has many avenues and a lot of the same people tied to one another...including me.

I had hoped that with the ending of this issue that in time my heart and mind would heal and as the time quickly approaches to choose whether I want to continue on in this journey that has a lot of people tied to one another and to me (the issue is over, so to speak...this just introduces a new issue), I am finding that my heart just isn't there. Time has not healed my heart and mind...and honestly I think that line is a horrible and hurtful lie!  I had hoped the hurt would go away and the ache would go away, but it hasn't. Every time I see a blurb about something that stemmed from this issue it's about all I can do to not cry.  What I had is gone, years of work on my part of putting myself out (really putting myself out of my comfort zone for many years) there with no friends and then a few years of work making friends and doing work for others has come to a very ugly end.

  I guess I need more time than I thought, but the problem with this is that my time is limited...I only have so much time and then I become ineligible so to speak.  But part of me wonders if , although I haven't finished out, if I served a purpose (still don't know what that was/is), and does it really matter if I don't finish? Does it matter to me? And if I do want to finish out where do I want to do that? Do I want to deal with the stream of commentary/questions and what-not about the issue that has gotten many a person to where things are at today?  I have also been told by many people they'd like to see me finish out, that I'm so close to being done.  But here's the thing...right now finishing what I started doesn't mean anything anymore...especially not w/o the core group of people I want to finish with.

So now here's the conundrum...do I stop treading water and just go for it? Do I bite the bullet and just finish what I started?  Because right now I feel like I'm under water and can't get my head out or my heart out for that matter!  When will my feelings stop feeling hurt over what I'm sure are little things (but are  HUGE things to me).  How do I move on and adapt a forgiving attitude about all this?  Or do I step away forever and deal with that?  Has what I have been doing all this time served it's purpose for me, did I get what I needed from it and does that mean letting the reigns go on this one or closing the book...the end?

The silver lining you ask?  First thing that comes to mind are the friendships I have made in the recent years of this long journey.  I think I have made a few good ones...scratch that...I have made some great friendships!  Another one is that I have grown a lot in this long journey but mostly in the last few years.  I have done things I never thought I'd do in a million years...

So I guess there are a few things that came of this but just really not sure where to go from here or there...but I really don't like the depressing feelings.