Thursday, March 22, 2012


I know that's an odd title for today but it's fitting when I tell you the story. 

Today was kind of a big day in our house.  Eli is my picky eater and he has Frank and I running ragged 99% of the time from food issues alone.  I don't know what the kid's issue is with food but he's got one...OR...and this could be a pretty big or...he's got Frank and I pretty buffaloed (is that even spelled right?).

I'd like to point out for argument's sake that he was a colicky baby and colic has a lot to do with tummy issues, and it lasted for what seemed like months and months and months!

For awhile now Frank and I would just make Eli a sandwich for dinner and he didn't eat what we were eating.  Frank and I decided a few months ago that we would quit making two separate meals, mostly because we would never have allowed this to happen with the other 3 boys.  He was going to start eating what the rest of us golly George we are going to do this and make it through!  It's a rough road...the crying, the fit throwing, the crying (OK that one might be me) gets so loud between him and I crying and throwing fits!

Today, today was a good day! I made meatloaf for dinner and I fought with Eli about eating dinner and Frank did to about eating his meal to get a banana.  It looked like for awhile he was going to go with out (which is fine, it won't be the end of the world for him).  His plate had 5 bites on it with some ketchup and he was not having any part of it!  I then asked if he wanted mustard and he did and I kid you not that kid ate 5 bites of his meatloaf!  HOLY COW!!

Here's the other big thing...that child is 3 years old and that was the first time EVER that he ate beef!!!  It was a site to behold in this house tonight! The angels might have been singing for all I know!

Miracles DO happen!

The true test though folks will be if he eats leftovers tomorrow...he says he will and tonight the last few bites to clean his plate he ate of his own free will.  All he had to do was eat 2 bites to get the banana, those other 3 he ate on his own!  We may have turned a corner here people...or we might take 3 steps back who knows!?!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Auntie IS the Best

On the 16th my little nephew, Samuel, came to visit his most favorite Auntie in the world!!!  Yes the kid has other Aunties but honestly people I'm his favorite and you need to just let this Auntie dream her little dream!  Sheesh!

He spent all day with me, his cousins, Uncle Frank and his parents came along for the ride too. (Isn't it funny how it's always the kid AND their's like the after thought...and parents too...hehehe I like the parents too!!)  I think he had fun playing with his cousins and especially when Uncle Frank showed him this really cool toy.  He laughed so hard every time Uncle Frank showed him how the toy worked.  I have a feeling he will be getting that toy for either his birthday or Christmas this year.  He has such a wonderful laugh!

He did warm up to me and sat in my lap and we shared an apple or two together, and lots of snacks.  I talked to him several times about how when he's old enough and his parents say it's OK he can come stay with Auntie for a long time and even go camping with us.  I told him he would have so much fun with us and he will look forward to the next time he'll get to come to Auntie's house.

He pretty much just looked at me the whole time with a slightly blank look on his face, wondering just what the heck this lady is babbling on about, but I said it and maybe he at least retained the tone of his Auntie wants him and loves him.  I hope he knows how much I love him.  Told him several times Auntie loves him to the moon and back!

There was a moment when he was wandering around my kitchen and pacing and I looked at him and said Samuel, if you haven't figured out yet all you have to do is ask your Auntie for whatever you want and I will give it to you!  Ask me for the moon child and it's yours!  He asked and I gave him some kind of snack, but we'll work on that!  I'm sure he'll get me pegged sooner or later! He's a smart kid!

I was able to get a few shots of Samuel playing, he didn't sit still too long, there were WAY too many toys, and new ones at that, to play with!

 It was movie time at Auntie's house!!! I'm the FUN one and someone PLEASE remember that!  I layed a blanket down on the floor and everyone had a lovey/softie and their own pillow and we were set to watch Puss 'n' Boots!  Auntie you rock!
 Later in the day Lee had baseball practice and there was a park right next to it so to the park we went with the little kids.  They had so much fun!

Here is Eli at the park, he loves the park!
 Samuel...he just didn't know where to go or run first or what to climb!  He was outside!!!
Here is Dru, handsome boy!
Those two are trouble, but cute trouble so I'm doomed!

I had a good visit with my nephew, as always I wish it was longer and he was older so he could stay with me.  But that will come in time I hope...someday he'll figure out just how fun this old bag of bones really is!

I miss them all and wish they didn't live so far away but such is life and it will be OK, next year we'll have to try and go visit again or maybe this summer or something.

Samuel, Auntie loves you to the moon and back buddy!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Recently Found Ramblings Of A Crazy Lady

It's been a rough go lately here, between kids, life, kids, and the other stuff that creeps into your life.  In all of that I've had a few moments where things have been clear and made sense.  Mind you this all happens while I'm cleaning or trying to sleep and my brain can't shut off (those are the nights I hate actually).

Come March we will be through our year of 1st with the divorce we are all dealing with.  I'm still left feeling like I'm holding piece of a wreck but not as many.  In this year I've been on the nastiest roller coaster out there, but good has come of it...well for me that is :)  Earlier I wrote about how angry I was and how hard it was to deal with it.  It was hard because this was something I didn't want and it took me a long time to discover why I was so angry.

What an AHA! moment that was.  You know as a kid with issues (that's me...kid with issues) I had to really dissect just what was making me so mad.  You know what I found out?  A few things I know about myself for sure...I know that I'm a food hoarder and panic about food, I am someone who deals with abondonment issues, and a few others.  Did anything pop out to you?  This divorce brought up abondonment issues for me.  Biological parents abondon me, several other people abondoned me.  So when you add this divorce into it all...Well what can I say.  I felt like I was being abondoned and so were my kids.  We were being walked out on without so much as a good by , it was nice knowing you and no looking back. 

I know it's not my personal divorce, even if it does affect me in a round about way.  I think everyone has their breaking points and boundries or grounds for divorce.  I have husband has his...are they anybody's they affect everyone around us...YUP!  Is any of this my business and do what other people decide to do in their marriage anything I should worry about?  Probably not but I do, I stress out about it and make myself sick and lose sleep.  Would I like an explanation, well a better one than what was given that would give more answers than questions...You I gonna get it? Nope.  Am I entitled? Nope.  Any of my business? Nope.

So here I type my feelings down on my blog about how I feel and how things affect me and that is the  best I can do with what I know.  I'll be honest wiht you, it's very theraputic for me and by doing it I get to these points where I can say, ok..I'm mad because I feel like I was abondoned.  Now that I know that I need to work on healing myself, and that's what I'm doing by typing.  After having been in therapy for several years, 3 or 4 I believe, and writing at least 1 diary each of those years I know the benifits for me to do these.  Let's face it, blogging is just a new version of writing in your diary. 

Update: 12/6/12
I just found this and felt since it's my blog and I can say what I want...I there!

Double Digits!

My oldest turned 10 today!  A whole decade went by and it went quick folks!  I had to sit down I broke out in a cold sweat that morning, especially when he told me he only had 6 more years until he was going to get to drive. Oh dear Lord he's right!?!

He looks so happy there!  Love this boy!  I can't believe we are already here, I hope for nothing but good things for him and a year with a lot of fun and new experiences. 

His first surprise party is coming this Sunday and he's clueless and it's going to be fun!  One I hope he remembers it always.

It's not every day you turn 10 or you have a surprise party at Cabela's!


Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Here is wonder boy!  We are so biased it's crazy!  Eli got swimming lessons from his grandparents this year and he is absolutely in love with swimming! He would love to go every day but 2 days will have to do, much to his frustration.  He is doing so well and we are proud of him...he could stand to listen to his instructor better but in time?  I don't know.  Last time I felt like I might have to go get him and talk to him...he was being naughty and a few times he was asked to stop. 

Doing some practicing with the instructor.

Handsome smile on my boy! 

Waiting for his turn to do something...hanging like a monkey off the stairs.  Not a great picture but
I'm pretty sure my camera is dying a slow and ugly death and so I periodically get pictures like this. 

I'm holding out for another year or two to get my dream camera...which I researched thinking it wasn't going to be much.  WRONG!!!  My dream camera is like $ in a year or two if I still want it...well we'll see.  It's a chunk of change to spend on one thing...however I have had my camera now for 6 years and it's been worth every penny we spent, I've used it well!

Well, it's time to jet off to my nice bed and get some rest and continue to get better...

For His Daddy

Aren't they handsome???

This was Dru and Frank last Sunday.  Every once in awhile Dru's preschool will have the children come and sing in front of the church for the congregation.  Dru was so excited to do this and his dad was going to be able to make it to hear him!  Over the moon this kid was!  He had his whole outfit planned out just special for his dad. 

The back story is that we have all, off and on, been sick with what I can only describe as the crud.  *shiver*  Anyway, Dru was running a slight fever that morning with it steadily going up.  The dilemma was who was going to tell Dru he couldn't go because he was sick??  Not me!!  Not Frank!! 

So we went to church and let him sing and we scooted ourselves out of there quickly.  Which I'm glad we did, because not long after that Dru's fever shot up and was that way for 2 days.  Today it finally came down and by tomorrow I'm hoping it will be gone.  He sounds horrible but so help me he's gonna go to school! 

We are still on the mend, a few of them are on meds and the rest of have just gotten over the crud.  Hopefully it just stays that way!!  I will say we are lucky in 2 areas: At least Frank and I were able to tag team this time...I got sick and now I'm on the mend and Frank is now not feeling wonderful.  Second is that at least we all got sick in relatively the same time and not spread over a month or so.  Because believe me we could have made that happen too!

Cooties be GONE!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Mothering Opinion Poll

Alright Moms...well Dad's too...although I'm pretty sure just moms/women read my blog. 

Anyway, today something happened that took me for a loop!  It all started Friday afternoon after the big kids got home. Lee got a call from a friend in his class (actually what's amusing is listening to two 8 year olds planning something) to play.  Well, Lee made plans with out talking to me first, all in the flash of a second.  This planning all happened on the phone and after Lee got off the phone I explained to him that next time he couldn't do that.  He had to check with his dad or myself before he made plans, because what if we had plans that day?  He offered to have us come get his friend and I said how do you know I had a car for tomorrow??  You have to ask first!!!  He said OK.  Time will tell.

So today we went to get his friend who isn't far from my house and when we got there Lee and I got out and went up to the apartment building he lived in.  Well before we even got to the stairs his friend came out and was ready to go.  I said no I wanted to go up to his apartment and meet his dad (I forgot to tell you the only time I've 'met' his mother was at parent/teacher conference almost 6 months ago!).  So I went upstairs and knocked on the door.  I'm almost sure he heard me but didn't want to come to the door, so I finally asked Lee's friend to go in and ask his dad to come to the door.  His friend just said oh go ahead and walk in there.  To which I really tried to not freak out and I said no I'd feel better if he just came up and went in and asked his dad to meet me at the door.  So he went in and told his dad and I could hear by the tone in his voice he was NOT impressed about this at all.  But he came anyway and shook my hand and sorta introduced himself and I introduced myself.  We made really small talk and then we said goodbye and off we went.  I walked away immediately thinking my child will not go there for a few hours but his friend is more than welcome to come to our house. 

Here's my issue and Frank is on the opposite side of this discussion as I understand it (yes, I'm totally leaving myself room to backtrack if I'm wrong...).  Would any of you have just sent your kid out to wait for someone you'd never met, for them to take your kid back to their house?  Frank said (and tell me if I'm wrong Frank) if it had been arranged for him to pick the child up that he would do it that way.  I won't mince words it kinda freaked me out the whole situation.  Who just lets their kid go with someone they've never met, just like that?  Not going out of their way to meet you and make sure you give good vibes?  I mean if I did that and the whole situation didn't feel right, there's no way in HELL I'd let my kid go anywhere!!!  Not one more inch!  

To me it's like (if you have this sort of thing to relate to) letting you daughter out of the house to go on a date with a man you've never met.  Letting him honk the horn at his arrival and letting your daughter walk right out the door saying I'll see you at midnight!  HELL NO!!! Not in this lifetime! 

Does anyone not watch the news anymore?  For Pete's sakes, earlier this week the kids had a note sent home letting us know about a child at her stop having some man approach her in a truck asking if she was OK!  It happened, I'm 99% sure, on our bus route!! HELLO!?!  That would be the second time in 4 years that something like this has happened on their bus stop!!  I might be WAY to protective but honestly let's look at the creepy, pervert man that I know that is somewhere out there in the shadows...waiting...biding his's not on my side I don't think.  I'm not sure in this kind of situation that I can be too careful or too trusting of people! 

I don't I ask you guys.  What do you think?  Am I being too weird? What would you have done differently? 
On a side note I did ask Frank to not let some person he's never met to take our children like that, arranged or not.  I'm still a tad weirded out by this whole situation to be honest with you. I knew that things like this would come up  but of course it still caught me off guard in a big way!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Special Day

So today was a pretty big day here at our house! Today was Dru's special day at preschool and boy howdy it was epic! I know you are thinking his birthday is in September, but when preschool starts after your birthday we go with our special day in the winter. Works out just fine. Just like at regular school they get to bring treats for their day. Dru wanted to bring Easter Eggs filled with candy (it is almost Easter you a month away!) So we got the eggs out of storage (I know you all have about 100 or so eggs stashed away for Easter egg hunts! I'm not the only one!) and filled them with Starburst Jelly beans. I'm not a fan of jelly beans, I could think of SO many other yummy things to eat! But it's what Dru wanted so there you go.
There is another reason today was so big, well really this year has been a pretty big deal in general. I've had 3 kids through this preschool (Dru's in his second year) and I've not been able to swing going to special days or parties at preschool or school for that matter! Today or rather this year has been different! Today the teachers (wonderful ladies and I'm blessed to know them) said they'd give me a hand with my 'extra' kids I have during the week if I needed and I said OK. Turns out though I'm blessed to watch some wonderfully behaved 'extra' kids and they were very compliant. So Dru was my first ever experience with a Special day and he was the one that also invited me to come to Parents Day this year!! It took 3 kids to get through but one of them finally asked me to come. I was the shiny new toy for once!!! It's a big year for me I tell you!
So at preschool they have a special hat they get to wear and here is Dru wearing it and the wonderful smile of his greeted us!
Here he is handing out his treat to his classmates, they were all so excited to see what was in those eggs!  Bet they were thinking they were gonna be stuff with yumminess...well they had yummy things,just not stuffed to the gills...they had 5 jellybeans in them, because he's 5 this year. 

Here Dru is eating his treat...notice the orange shirt and orange egg (no there wasn't all orange beans in there! ) his favorite color is still Orange.

Every child who has a special day gets a special book all about them.  It has what their favorite color is, or their favorite thing to do or eat is.  The teacher shares the book with the class and the child helps.  Very fun!

They also tell the parents they can send in up to 6 pictures of said child to share with the class and then they make a small poster of all the pictures on it so everyone can look through out the month at it.  Here Dru is showing his pictures to each and every classmate.  They were so funny, some seemed bored by it all until he showed them a picture of his with Buzz Lightyear or a picture of him as a baby.  They all seemed to like the picture of his as a baby. I had forgotten until his teacher mentioned it, that the baby picture was how she remembered first meeting Dru...has it really been that long?  Sheesh!  Ian started at this preschool the week that Dru was born and that was her first year as Director of the school!  My kids have all had her and she's so good with them! I know I say it a lot but time has really flown!

I'm so glad I was finally able to do something like this before it was just Eli and only being able to do things with him.  I feel so bad when I miss out on things like this and parties for the bigger boys, but I just couldn't fathom, at the time anyway, carting 2-3 kids to a classroom function and actually getting something accomplished and for us to not be distracting!  I always feel like we are distracting or taking away from the moment for the bigger boys!  I probably need to just let that in progress here!

Have a good Friday evening!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Set of Problems

                           August 22,2013
*hidden post

I know I've talked about this topic a lot, and probably more right now than I have in a few years...but man it's been incredibly difficult this last year.  Truly.

 Sometimes I wonder if I traded one set of problems for another and really wonder if one is any better than the other...I still can't answer that question.

I don't think I ever turned out the way people had hoped...I think for them I fell short of their expectations, which then in turn makes me the black sheep of the family.  Or that's how I see myself anyway. 

I did things people felt I shouldn't have done, didn't have good enough reasons to do, didn't ask their seasoned advice, and pretty much went and did what I wanted much to their indignation horror.

I have done things I swore I would never do...part of growing up and thus far I don't regret them but they'll certainly make for interesting conversations with the boys later on in life.  Go ahead and try and explain that one mom!

These things I feel have, for whatever reason, affected some family members and how they treat me and my boys and husband.

I don't know how to explain it or put it into words right now, but the consistency at which we are left out of things and not invited to things for some reason I have yet to come up with, is literally quite painful to the gut.  There isn't any reason, good or bad, for why we haven't been invited or why we've been left out. 

What happened to unconditional love? Just because you don't agree with whatever I'm doing or raising my kids or whatever the issue is, doesn't mean you get to just pretend I don't exist! Does it? I mean if it does then let me know and I'll go from there, I'll give it a good college try from there.  It might be easy to do that if we lived thousands of miles apart but for heavens sakes we live in the same state!

Who this really effects though are the boys...and then family get all upset when my kids don't really talk to them or complain that they don't know not my problem! I make every effort to get them to places for family to see them, when I can.  However the road works both ways...I don't need to be driving all over God's country and back...get in your car and drive yourselves here and get the heck involved!  It's certainly a no brainer but just can't seem to make it click with these boys but yet it's managed with many other family/children.  So can't wrap my head around that one...seems to me they are taking it out on the wrong person and people are missing out on my children.

I know this just seems so disjointed but I'm all over the place right now...I know I'm hurting and I'm trying to move on and heal myself.  I'm trying to forgive... I feel like that's all I'm trying to do lately in a lot of areas in my life...I must need to learn how to master this or get better at it because this is like a constant theme in my life...

I just got a stark look into reality today when I was told one of my children prays at youth group for a family member.  Stopped me in my tracks, made me cry and about brought me to my knees.  Because I can't honestly say that this person who my child prays for cares enough about him to do that or cares???

IF they do care...well it's sure an interesting approach to caring, I suppose.  More often than not lately I've had to ask myself if it's ok to hate family...does it make you a horrible person.  I totally get that hate is a really strong word and we don't use it regularly at our house and it's discouraged when referring to a person (doesn't matter who it is), and yet I find myself thinking it about people.  I still love them but I think I hate them.  I've even asked people if it's ok to think/say/feel that way...been told yeah it's ok, as long as you are still respectful/civil...basic  humanness I guess. 

When it comes down to it though, I leave all the window/doors of opportunity available to each party, and I do my best to make what I can happen.  We've done what we can/could and the rest of the relationship/s are up to the other parties.  I/my kids/husband can't do it all.

 I also know it's my job to change the nature of the relationship...I whole-heartedly believe to my bones, that people are not full-filling roles and people's expectations are not being met. So things need to change, that way the role perhaps changes? I'm struggling for words to describe what I'm feeling.  I think I love  my family...but such roles/titles, well I'm not getting anything out of them and I'm big enough to say it, but perhaps they are not getting what they want from be based on my status/role.  So things need to change and I have been seriously struggling with how to do that?

 How do you DO that??? Million dollar question right there everyone!  I don't have any answers I just know I need to change me and how I look at things and change my expectations.  Not lower them or throw them out the door all together, at least not yet, but change them and see if that doesn't do it.  It has to change because I can't handle being let down, hurt, frustrated, angry, and so many more rampant emotions anymore.  It wreaks havoc on me, husband, and children.  It comes right back to being only able to control me and what I do, think, and say.  That's where I'm trying to start...I'd like to say slow and steady wins the race but man I think we are moving even slower than a turtle at this point.

Maybe the more I do it the more it will feel better?  I don't know, I wish I had the answers but like I said before.  I'm pretty sure I traded one set of troubles in my short life of 35 for another set of troubles.


I AM DONE!  D-O-N-E!  Finished!  And all the other words in our vobulary that get that point across!

I am seriously considering not making dinner and possibly any other mean for awhile and letting the kids fend for themselves. A boycot is what I'm thinking!!!  I'm tired of the (must imagine in your best child voices) what is that? What is that green thing?  I don't like the smell!  I don't want any of that!!  I'm not eating unless I get what I want! (and yes I HAVE heard that come out of their mouths...and they are still alive)

I just want it clear that my kids eat way better than I did as a kid.  Not that my mom didn't try but we don't eat a lot of casserole type dishes and I think we eat way more of a variety of foods than we did as a kid.  Sides dishes have been my downfall but thanks to my girlfriend Nikki she has really kept just telling me I need to improve my side dishes.  Jello with whipped cream does not a side dish make!  Who knew right? Side dishes are still a struggle for me but I'm getting better, or I'd like to think I am anyway. 

You know, I'm glad my kids don't have to worry about when and where their next meal is coming from like I did as a kid.  That they have the ability to choose whether to eat or not, because they have never missed a meal a day in their life, unless it's been their choice.  I just want them to appreciate what I do and the joy I have when everyone eats and enjoys a meal I lovingly made and put some thought into.  That's the key right there!  I really do enjoy cooking for my family...I put a lot of thought into what I'm making, I take the time to go shopping for it, store it, and then cook it as best as I can for my family.  I enjoy it up until I put it on the table and they start picking at it and telling me what they will or won't eat and what they want on their plate or don't

My kids can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that when we sit down to have, lets say a meatloaf dinner, that they just can't have all meatloaf they want.  If I let them eat that way I'd need to make a 6-8lb meatloaf for heaven's sakes!!! Not to mention the fact it's not healthy to eat that way.  Which I'm now having to learn.  We have portions to eat and we can't just eat everything in site or you get yourself to over 250lbs.  So easy to get there but man the work it takes to work is off...well it's that...WORK!  No one ever told me about portion sizes or showed me or taught me.  I had no clue and was horrified at the fact that I was eating 3 times as much as I should be!  Hokey Pete!!  I never knew!!! I never knew how to eat better, to be healthy...I'm working my way there now and doing my best to teach my kids but I will be honest I have some horrible food issues.  Yes food hoarding is one of them, but that's for another posts...well several I'm sure.  I'm really bad about being the President of the 'Clean Plate Club' doesn't have to be that way but it's hard.  It's hard to not put that on my kids, it's hard to make sure I don't put my issues out there for the kids to pick up on and be weird about too.  Does that make any sense? 
OK, so back to what I was talking about...big tangent there sorry!
So we have a normal amount of meatloaf, mashed pots, fruit/veggie, perhaps something else.  Really it's just pushing it having mashed pots...that goes over like a fart in church! I mean if we have tacos why can't they have 4 tacos?  They'd like to know!  My answer isn't good enough and if you ask them I'm pretty sure they'll tell you I don't feed them or I feed them poison.  I don't, for the most part, ever hear thank you for dinner mom or please and thank you's.  I know  you are thinking that's my job to teach them and don't get me wrong I have and I am continually reteaching them.  Really I am!!  Here's the thing...I'm done asking them to use their manners...I know they have them and know how to use them, they choose to be outright ugly!  Like my friend said I'd like to know when they act like that, what possess them to think they have a say in what is made and to complain about it? 

Does anyone have an answers to any of my questions? 

Anyone?  Hello?  NO?  Well crap! No one ever does!