Thursday, November 21, 2013


It's that time of year again! 
Where craziness ensues and I buckle down for the time of year I have a really hard time dealing with.  Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas....really it's just the holidays that I can't stand.  Birthdays are really fun and exciting to a point. 
Just know I try hard every year
It's Eli's birthday coming up...on the 21st...and it's coming on us fast!  I can't believe a whole year has come and gone with this boy (well any of them for that matter, lol)!  Maybe I see it more with him because he's the last or what I don't know. 
He's so excited for his's a big deal you know, he's 1 whole hand now!
Here is a year of Eli in pictures, which I really like doing and I like seeing.  It's amazing to see the changes they go through in a year.
November 21, 2012
January 2013

November 21, 2013
THE big day has arrived and he swears he's a little bit bigger today.  That he grew a little last night, just to 5 years though!
Today at preschool it was his special day...he brought purple minion cake pops, thanks to a wonderful friend of mine.  Shout out to Ms. Breanna for those awesome treats!
 Ms. Carry is reading Eli's special day book...his favorite song is "Iron man" and his favorite color is blue...I always though he was partial to red.  I know nuttin!
 Birthday Spankings!  He's been waiting for these ALL day today...woke up this morning trying to get his brothers to give them to him.  I had to kibosh that idea because Dad wasn't home!  Can't do those with out Dad!!
 You can't have birthday spankings or a birthday with out getting a special birthday hug from Dad!
 My baby is 5!  We also were able to take him to a froyo place in town and get a special treat as a family!  He was very excited about this and his birthday dinner.  He chose to have nachos (has to be Doritos and just cheese...that's the right way to have them...the rest of us were informed we eat our nachos wrong...we had meat and cheese and sour cream), peaches, cherry Jell-O, and Pepsi...and then our froyo!  What a day!
*On a side note...I really am not OK with Eli turning 5 at all!  I'm really having a hard time with this...what am I gonna do when he wants to stop snuggling to sleep every night? He's the last and I know someone has too be the last...but my God these feelings are tough!  This is just all around hard to wrap my head and heart around...this was NOT covered in the parenting handbook!!
God help!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Crying Out

Today I had a moment that for me, maybe wasn't mind blowing, but it did give me cause to stop and think.

Thinking is not always good for me, for me it tends to get me stewing about stuff , planning things, feel overwhelmed, inadequate...the list goes on.

Today Ian made a phone call to some folks and it was hard to hear his side of the conversation and not get frustrated that he'd not heard from these people earlier...much, much earlier!  That they spent the entire time on the phone catching up, when they should already know these things about this child and that they should know my other children.  But they don't...they may think they do but they don't.  I felt like this call gave them a free pass with him (and maybe me?) to catch up and make a 'show' of having made the effort.  I'm glad they found something to talk about, but he gathered there were surprised about a reading choice he/we made.  I can't make too much out of that, although it has struck me as odd.  I'm letting it go (again another mantra...I'm overwhelmed with mantras for the year....

All the while this is going on I'm having a conversation of my own and feeling very depressed and angry and a whole other round of tumultuous feelings.  Trying to not weep from these feelings and remembering a conversation a friend of mine and I had.  That at least these particular people have found joy in something/someone so very far away from them.  I am not implying that they shouldn't find joy and happiness in these things/people so far away but that they should also be looking at what is so very close to them.  They are not. Have not in a long time.  Have no idea if they ever will.  Now whether my friend was being sarcastic or not I don't know...there was a moment tonight when it hit nearly brought me to my knees.

I cried out to God.  I realized I had been spending so much time, feeling hurt, angry, depressed, confused and whatever else about this situation that I don't think I ever stopped to think that I hadn't been praying.  Praying for what I don't know but it was brought to my attention loud and clear that I need to pray.  Pray...aha!  This shouldn't be new to me and yet, here I am again.  I am at the feet of God crying out to him to help me not hurt anymore, to not be angry anymore.  To be happy for them that they have found something that brings them joy. Pray for the blessing of the relationship they will have from far away, and the relationships they find that don't include me and my family and to let that go.  Pray to God to help me know and believe with all my heart/soul that there isn't anything wrong with me or my husband and children...why they have made the choices they have isn't something I can figure out.  Pray for joy and peace for help me forgive (and maybe when the time comes to accept forgiveness?).

*This (above) , selfishly (whether right or wrong at this moment-God will steer my heart I'm sure) is what I pray for most.  I have spent too many years feeling like I do not fit into any family I am a part family or in-laws. I don't know why that is but my guess is that what happened as a child to me (and many other children in my family) changed where I stood or didn't stand in my families.  As for the families I married into...probably some of the same reason and a few others that aren't maybe appreciated by them but needed by me.( I have a lot work in that area...especially with a certain mouth piece who comes and goes as he pleases in this family.  One thing at a time here people!  I don't know why we don't fit in but we stick out like, well all the things that pop into my head are inappropriate so how about a giraffe in a crowd of penguins...that's how much I don't fit in.  I rely on my friends to be my family...)*
Just when I think I'm OK with me...I am reminded I'm not OK and must work some more on myself...guess that's where the line "constant work in progress" comes into play.

I want joy back in my life, I don't want to hurt any more, I don't want to sit and spend any more time wondering what is wrong with me and my family.  I can't spend one more moment hurting, feeling angry, being jealous, BUT I can spend time praying...for them, for their relationship/s, for me, for my boys, my husband, to be the best me I can be.

Lord please, please hear my prayers, hear my cries...I need you Lord and I can not do this by myself. 

**There are times when I wonder why I'm going through this and how I will be able to use this for later.  Like I can look on my childhood now and see how the rape and being molested can help others.  I can see those possibilities.  What I can't see is where I can take and use these experiences in the future...stuff like this just (I believe and I hold tight to that) doesn't happen with out a reason.  I will pray there is some way in which I can use this experiences, trials, frustrations, and pain in my life now and in the future!**

Monday, November 4, 2013


Nothing much here today but when I was at the Pumpkin patch these little things struck my fancy.
I love the texture on this pumpkin.

 I do love the Mums and they are such a hardy plant!
 The little pumpkins for the kids on field trips to take...what a prize!
 I just love the stem on this one!
 I think white pumpkins are becoming the new thing more and more...they are kind a cool I must say.
 The texture and color on these were what caught my eye.
 I wish I was creative enough and had the means to be creative enough like this for my house!  Love this pot!

Have a great night/day!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Romantic and Other Things....

Today...was a very lovely day...actually I don't know that but I'm pretty sure that is a line or something from a song....

Friday is early release day in our town...which is a joke...personally the fact teachers need a day for bouncing ideas off each other seems that on your own time and quit taking time away from my kids and their education...but that's a conversation for another time and day.

Today, Frank came home early from work and we hung out for a bit before someone had to get Eli...and by someone that was Frank.  Something about having their dad come get them at school gets them all but vibrating. 

Today Frank just said the most romantic thing to me, and if anyone knows Frank or guys at all...he just isn't romantic...much anyway.

Frank told me today that he wanted me to take that extra hour we are going to get on Sunday and sleep...that he would move time for me.  Super romantic right???

Go ahead...laugh hysterically...we did.  We had a good chuckle

The other funny thing that happened was tonight after dinner, I was talking to the boys about if they wanted to write a letter they should do it tomorrow since we were going to the Post Office to mail a bunch of letters.  So I was telling them all the people they could write too and I mentioned I was writing to a cousin who is in Hungary for a year.  Lee just looked at me and said where or what is that.  I said it was a country ...he said he knew that but were people in that country Hungrier? 

Really, do you see the people I live with???

The other day Eli had his Wolverine costume on and came running out and hollered at the top of his lungs to Dru...he had muscles and he KNEW how to use them!!

Where do these men/boys come up with this stuff!?!?

* to bed for me I just had to share my head shaking moments with you all!*



I am very late in getting this out, but that seems to be my theme so far this year...I'm embracing it.
So should you!
As much as I hate it...this is us this year...go Paulson's!
This year is Eli's turn to go to preschool and he was so ready and excited for it this year.  Last year if you spoke the word Preschool at all he'd scream "NO" and run the opposite direction.  He was NOT ready then, but definitely ready now.  The weather was wonderful in September and he was able to wear shorts to cool right?  My kids thought so anyway...considering this was the first year I have ever let them wear shorts at school...E-V-E-R!
This picture is from the first day of school!
 He was SO excited about this backpack!  He had to show it off.

Many things have changed this year along with Eli going to school, I have a job after 9 years of not having a job!  Totally unexpected but I am loving it.  I am a teacher assistant in Eli's 4/5 yr. old class.  I am loving it and love doing something different during my week, but man I tell you that many kids for 2 1/2 exhausting!  However, in that same breath I find it really enjoyable and fun...still not sure teaching is my thing...but maybe preschool???  Who knows! 

Eli seems OK with me working at his school, although the other 2 days he is always asking if he gets to go by himself.  When I say yes he says "yes!" with a fist pump.  LOL It must be such a hardship to put up with his momma!