Crying Out

Today I had a moment that for me, maybe wasn't mind blowing, but it did give me cause to stop and think.

Thinking is not always good for me, for me it tends to get me stewing about stuff , planning things, feel overwhelmed, inadequate...the list goes on.

Today Ian made a phone call to some folks and it was hard to hear his side of the conversation and not get frustrated that he'd not heard from these people earlier...much, much earlier!  That they spent the entire time on the phone catching up, when they should already know these things about this child and that they should know my other children.  But they don't...they may think they do but they don't.  I felt like this call gave them a free pass with him (and maybe me?) to catch up and make a 'show' of having made the effort.  I'm glad they found something to talk about, but he gathered there were surprised about a reading choice he/we made.  I can't make too much out of that, although it has struck me as odd.  I'm letting it go (again another mantra...I'm overwhelmed with mantras for the year....

All the while this is going on I'm having a conversation of my own and feeling very depressed and angry and a whole other round of tumultuous feelings.  Trying to not weep from these feelings and remembering a conversation a friend of mine and I had.  That at least these particular people have found joy in something/someone so very far away from them.  I am not implying that they shouldn't find joy and happiness in these things/people so far away but that they should also be looking at what is so very close to them.  They are not. Have not in a long time.  Have no idea if they ever will.  Now whether my friend was being sarcastic or not I don't know...there was a moment tonight when it hit me...it nearly brought me to my knees.

I cried out to God.  I realized I had been spending so much time, feeling hurt, angry, depressed, confused and whatever else about this situation that I don't think I ever stopped to think that I hadn't been praying.  Praying for what I don't know but it was brought to my attention loud and clear that I need to pray.  Pray...aha!  This shouldn't be new to me and yet, here I am again.  I am at the feet of God crying out to him to help me not hurt anymore, to not be angry anymore.  To be happy for them that they have found something that brings them joy. Pray for the blessing of the relationship they will have from far away, and the relationships they find that don't include me and my family and to let that go.  Pray to God to help me know and believe with all my heart/soul that there isn't anything wrong with me or my husband and children...why they have made the choices they have isn't something I can figure out.  Pray for joy and peace for me...to help me forgive (and maybe when the time comes to accept forgiveness?).

*This (above) , selfishly (whether right or wrong at this moment-God will steer my heart I'm sure) is what I pray for most.  I have spent too many years feeling like I do not fit into any family I am a part of...my family or in-laws. I don't know why that is but my guess is that what happened as a child to me (and many other children in my family) changed where I stood or didn't stand in my families.  As for the families I married into...probably some of the same reason and a few others that aren't maybe appreciated by them but needed by me.( I have a lot work in that area...especially with a certain mouth piece who comes and goes as he pleases in this family.  One thing at a time here people!  I don't know why we don't fit in but we stick out like, well all the things that pop into my head are inappropriate so how about a giraffe in a crowd of penguins...that's how much I don't fit in.  I rely on my friends to be my family...)*
Just when I think I'm OK with me...I am reminded I'm not OK and must work some more on myself...guess that's where the line "constant work in progress" comes into play.


I want joy back in my life, I don't want to hurt any more, I don't want to sit and spend any more time wondering what is wrong with me and my family.  I can't spend one more moment hurting, feeling angry, being jealous, BUT I can spend time praying...for them, for their relationship/s, for me, for my boys, my husband, to be the best me I can be.

Lord please, please hear my prayers, hear my cries...I need you Lord and I can not do this by myself. 


**There are times when I wonder why I'm going through this and how I will be able to use this for later.  Like I can look on my childhood now and see how the rape and being molested can help others.  I can see those possibilities.  What I can't see is where I can take and use these experiences in the future...stuff like this just (I believe and I hold tight to that) doesn't happen with out a reason.  I will pray there is some way in which I can use this experiences, trials, frustrations, and pain in my life now and in the future!**