Day 29 Challenge

'Leap'

I asked my goofy 5 yr. old to leap for me...love that kids face in this picture!

Bunk Beds

So about 2 weeks ago Frank and I decided we needed to make a change to the Littles' room.  They needed more room for their stuff and the only way we saw that would do that would be to get them bunk beds.  Now I'm not a fan of bunk beds, I personally really hate the idea of them...really they just make me nervous as hell!  BUT they do exactly what is needed...kids have a bed and they have more room.  Mission accomplished!  We got a great price on them and the boys are happy clams, and they went together fairly quickly and well.

 Here Eli is in his new bed...new mattress and he got (well so did everyone else) got new bedding...can you see him?  Look real hard...it's camouflage so it could be difficult...well according to Eli it is.  He's so funny!

 Dru gets the top bunk and he is THRILLED!  He's so big you know!

 Dru was was 'helping' his dad...the bed couldn't get up fast enough for this kid!

Again...just cause he's so cute...if I keep this up it's going to go to his head and create a monster! 

Day 26 Challenge

'Inspiration'

There is inspiration and hope in new life-2 day old baby I sniffed and snuggled today...man he smelled yummy!

Congratulations to my friend Amber and her newest little boy!  He was so warm and cuddly, and yes he smelled delish!  I've said it about a hundred times but someone, and by someone I mean me, needs to figure out how to bottle that heavenly baby smell!!  I have to GET on that!

Day 25 Challenge

'Fancy'

For me high heeled (ok not so high but for me they are) shoes are something I put on to be fancy.

Day 24 Challenge

'Empty'

Tax return came, bank account is now empty! Sigh...

Better

Well there is less of a goose egg these days and more of a colorful rainbow! Oh and the nice bump underneath the skin that I can only guess at what that might be!?!  Guesses??

This is 6 days later but it's getting better and better.  The random headaches have stopped...which I might add is nice.  The headaches were not fun, FYI!

All I can say is that's a pretty good bruise I got going there right above my eyebrow!  No more bungee cords for this lady!  OUCH!

Day 23 Challenge

'Word'

'Nuff said...I didn't have to cook dinner that night

Pizza Party

Not a great picture but I got one anyway!

Yesterday I plotted and schemed agaisnt my children...in a good way!  In an effort to make this week go by faster and with less drudgery I plotted with Grandma to have a surprise pizza party!  I pulled it off!  Woohoo!  We got pizza and Grandma brought the dessert (well she brought the pizza too...just seemed easier that way and she was game!) and the kids loved it!  I was bummed that not all my nieces and nephews couldn't be there but that's what I get for doing it completely last minute.  Which just means for Spring Break I will be planning another party, that way everyone will be there!  By the way Grandma brought stuff to make ice cream sundeas and cookies to go with them and the kids were over the moon!

Thanks Grandma...you were the cherry on top!

Day 22 Challenge

'Lent'

These are things I have given up in the past and after today I should perhaps give them up again....

Day 21 Challenge

'Challenge'

It is a challenge for me during a stupid break that only the teachers want, to have my big kids home and integrated into MY daily routine with the Little's at home...they think we do this ALL day long! Ugh!

'Help'

Frank asked me on Saturday if there were times where I just had too much help.

I LOVE that he put the contruction hat on for Dru and he wore it the whole time, made sure it didn't fall off even.  Love seeing him do stuff like this.  He's a good dad!  

Yes..Yes Frank all day every day there is too much help!  Bhahahahahaha!

In situations like this Frank has the patience of Job and I'm amazed every time he does something like this.  I do NOT have what he has and it's kinda cool to watch and see what it looks like!  He even lets them help him cook breakfast, crack eggs, turn the bacon, butter the toast.  I'm lucky if I make it through making sugar cookies at Christmas time with out screaming.  Love watching him with the boys.

I should probably seriously consider starting to teach Ian and Lee to cook things for themselves, they are old enough.  It's me and the lack of being patient...adn they are in my kitchen touching my stuff (I have sharing issues)...but that's a different story.

Homework

I hate homework. 

In case you didn't hear me, I HATE HOMEWORK!

Ugh!  Seriously I already passed the 4th grade...I am so done!

How can a 4th grader already have Senioritis AND it's not even May!?!

I need to figure out how to get Ian refocused. He was doing so good the first half of the year and then it seems out of no where he's losing it.  I know it's not even the home stretch yet but we are close and he needs to just hold it together!  Homework is the issue and his attitude is a major attitude adjustment!  He has a mouth that is going to get him in a huge amount of trouble if it hasn't already.  He has failed the last 2 weeks of school, tests and homework he's failed...and just not ouright done because he's too busy reading books. 

He has been warned if he doesn't get his act together he's looking at summer school and a possibility of not passing the 4th grade!  He then of course freaks out beyond reason and when he's told he has all the pwer to change all this and to get on it and make it happens he freaks out on a whole other level!

I feel bad for him because he's all me in this area, he's the kid that is going to have to work twice as hard as his classmates to get from point A to point B!  All I hear is no one else has to do this (like he really knows what goes in his friend's homes...he's just hearing what his friends say) and I'm the mean one for making him do that.  Not his dad but me.  For the record I am TIRED of being called names, having things thrown at me, the attitude towards me (he had the nerve to throw the 'hand' up at me!!!) Don't worry he still has his face on his head! I'm tired of beign disrespected by an almost 10 year old and if he doesn't pull his head out of his behind soon, his life is going to start getting bad real quick!

He has part of next week to get the priveledge of going to youth group...I hope he can reach his goal, becuase of he doesn't...it's going to be an ugly week, seriously ugly!

I HATE HOMEWORK!!!

Day 20 Challenge

'Federal'

A federal case for money :)

Day 19 Challenge

'Advertisement'

My son is an advertisement for 'Don't try this at home'...the look alone is scary enough! Rockets and boys...equal a mess!

Day 18 Challenge

'Limited'

Limited sheets on the paper towel roll

Day 17 Challenge

'Spirit'

Eli channeling the spirit of a super hero! (Batman)

Day 16 Challenge

'Container'

This container holds a special plant from my grandfather...I miss him!

Day 15 Challenge

'Key'

I don't use my key for this anymore...do you guys?

Day 14 Challenge

'Arrow'

Goose Egg

So....here is what I did for fun on Friday!  Had a blast...however I'm not sure I'll do it again.

That is my goose egg...jealous?  Yeah I knew you would be.  Want to know how to get one? 

Well I'll tell you how to get one.  Help your husband load the truck up for a dump run and then get a bungee or two and help strap down said garbage.  While working on strapping things down, hold one end of the bungee while said husband works to get the other side down.  Make sure it is either hooked or it slips out of your hand, that way it can lung back at you.  THAT is how you get a goose egg like mine!  This picture was pretty much right after it happened...Frank took a picture...I thought I was bleeding profusely from my head, however that was just my head swelling.  Gorgeous!!!

Here I am later than night after an hour or so of icing it.  I had a pretty good headache going and way tender!

Now you see by Sunday night the pretty colors of the rainbow are making their appearance.  It's gonna get better looking I just know it!  Here's my question though...for how far down the bruise goes and how swollen my eye brow and surrounding area is, will I have a black eye by the end of it all???

Inquiring minds would like to know!

For the record...I did call Frank's mom and tattle on him...told her she forgot to teach him a thing or two.  I don't play sports with Frank for this very reason...I have been hit in the head with a baseball (with the welt showing the stitches of said ball), football, soccer ball...now this.  It is kind of funny in a sad sort of way...isn't this how boys show they like you?  By chasing you and hitting you?  Or was that just in the 3rd or 4th grade??

Well I'm off to my MOPS meeting so you all have a great day and don't do anything I wouldn't do!!

Day 13 Challenge

'Organize'

This is only half of my jam and I have more to make. I still need to organize them so that I have all the jam together.

Day 11 Challenge

'Job'

My un-ending Job of mile-high laundry...it got washed...however it still needs to be folded....sigh

Day 10 Challenge

'Peace'

There was PEACE for me while I made jam Friday night...Thank you Lord!!

Day 9 Challenge

'Similar'

His and Hers'

Open Frontier

Save a horse ride a cowboy

For giggles :)

Day 8 Challenge

'Crime'

Crime against nature'

Follow Up

DISCLAIMER: This is about no one other than me or about my kid...so don't read too much into it!

I know I've been MIA of late of blogging something with a little more than a picture from my Photo Challenge, and there's a reason, many of them actually. 

A few weeks ago I was asked about a post on my blog and this person was upset about what I wrote about my feelings on something.  I'm frustrated because I'm not sure what the issue is since I didn't name anything or mention anyone by name.  And if you knew me and you knew what I was talking about but if not it was a rant.  Then I'm annoyed that I feel like I'm being stalked about what I write and about what I'm not writing.  This is my blog and it's about me and what I'm going through.  This is today's version of a diary, right!?!  How can you tell someone what to write or not write about?  I'm having a hard time letting this go, these feeling of frustration and anger, I am a work in progress and it will happen, in good time!  These things take time right?  Because after I deal with the issue at hand there are the other things that go along with it that I have to deal with, it's like a never ending, depressing circle! 

Like I said before, divorce is ugly and I'm left holding pieces again, so while trying to deal with these issue I write.  Something I learned in 3 or 4 years of counseling.  And in this process come good things, small moments in my day where it dawns on me just why I am so angry about divorce and the one I'm having to deal with.  Granted it's a bit easier after the holidays but like I mentioned before I felt like I was grieving for the loss of a person and a thing for several people, including me!  Along with the grieving came anger and a lot of it, and through writing that post I figured out just why I am so angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I and my family, were abandoned with out so much as a screw you and the horse you rode in on or a good bye.  Nothing, Nada, zilch. All the sudden my insecurities of being abandoned were brought right back up to my face, now I know what I need to deal with.  These issues of being abandoned come from a crappy childhood of many people not doing what they should have, and being abandoned by family and biological parents...who didn't do the things they should have done or needed to do to keep me, they abandoned me.  Hence the anger when I feel like there was no goodbye or anything.  Part of it is I don't know where the relationship is suppose to go or where I stand.  I'm still confused...I feel like I'm 7 again.

So here I am wondering what the heck to do and where I stand and people are 'stalking' my page and then I'm asked about my blog...do you think any of those questions I asked were answered?  Nope.  You know what's even better?  My 8 year old son the other day started asking questions about said divorce...before 8 in the fricken morning.  Not the way I wanted to start my day.

His questions are what bring up more anger for me, I am mad I even have to address this issue with my 8 year old.  Questions I never dreamt I would have to think long and hard on and answer so as to not sway him one way or the other, so that he'll form his own thoughts.  My heart breaks in pieces when his chin quivers as he's asking me what IF I divorced his dad, where would I live?  REALLY!?! He wants to know if this person whose left will ever come back.  I had to say no, no they won't.  They will still be around and you will probably see them from time to time but no.  How do you tell them that they aren't, for a lack of a better word, part of our family anymore?  That they are his cousins family but this person has no obligations to us anymore.  No more camping trips, no more holidays, no more birthdays (to which he was shocked...gotta love kids)...this person is no more obligated to do anything unless they make a choice to?  I said I knew it would be weird and I know how frustrating and that I knew how much he was hurting when you feel like they just left with out saying goodbye or why things are the way they are.  He flat out and looked at me and said well mom, you haven't answered one of my questions.  I asked what.  He said well you haven't told me why they got divorced.  I had to look at him yet again and tell him I didn't know, and if truth were told Lee it wasn't any of my business or anyone else's.  It was between these two people, and as much as I hate to tell you this I can only guess at why, because lots of people get divorced.  It's not a good thing and it gets ugly, people get divorced over things like money, betrayal, or they just don't love each other like husband and wife anymore.  They love each other because they are someones mom and dad but that's it.  I had to explain to him that there were other people already in these people's lives that for at least one of them who has an 'other' we (and we I do mean me, this is a really hard issue for me) are going to have to make a better effort than we've been making???  That was a crappy day and it all happened before 8 am in the morning...shitty!  Yes I said it, sometimes those are the only words that can appropriately describe what a person is feeling.  Sigh...I'm done with the tears (Lee's and mine), the quiver chins, and the inability for Lee to fully grasp and comprehend what is going on in his world, most of what he knows about love and marriage are shown by the adults in his life...these things have been rocked to the core in his world! These are the pieces of life I'm left holding...pieces of his innocence...

 UGH! It just doesn't feel right! Not one bit of this feels right so how do you make the effort when all I want to do is just not?  I don't want to put myself out there and try all over again, it's too hard and takes too much effort.  Yes I'm Debbie Downer today, but this has been really bothering me, especially that other people get upset about what I'm writing about that I'm dealing with.  Get your own blog and stalk other people! Honestly!

I am working on moving on, really I am. Now that I know a few pertinent details about myself I know what to work on, and I know the letting go will come with time and the anger may not go away but it will lessen.  Really it's not my life and if this shows me anything, I need to focus on my marriage...apparently people are worried about that *drama*.  Sigh...I've managed to put myself on more radar's than I'd like to be on.

Well I feel better 'ish...now to the moving on and getting me ok and better in my life, along with my kids!  It's been almost a year since this all started so all our firsts are all almost over and hopefully we'll leave the crappy year we had behind and we'll work on a better year and I'll work on me being a good mom, good Auntie (you know it's my joy!), a good wife, and a good friend!  No small feat but doable!

Day 7 Challenge

"Partner"

Peanut Butter and Jelly---can't have one w/o the other...and when we are out of one we are in crisis mode at my house!!

Day 6 Challenge

"Routine"

I despise with every cell in my body this routine I do with my oldest son over homework--the tears, the screaming, the fighting, the screaming and name calling...It's old and it's only the 1st kid and there are 3 more to go!! Ugh!!

Day 5 Challenge

'Snap'

Appropriate for Super Bowl Sunday...a football snap

Day 4 Challenge

'Meal'

This was part of my meal for the day, yummy!

This was my other fave, delicious grapes!

I thought this made a good picture however I thought the strawberries had a bland taste which was disappointing!

Day 2 Challenge

'Toy'

This is my toy for reading

Doormat

                                                                                                                    7/15/2013

I have dated this since I'm going to in a sense 'hide' this post.  If it gets seen then it gets seen but it's not out there for everyone to see.  It's the way things are for right now. 

I'm not in a good place...again...I hate that I'm so repetitive and so boring.  But here I am, in all my sickness and damaged goods.  Because lets face it, I am damaged goods.  No matter how you put it, based off my life in the past and the now and the future...things will always be misshapen.  You have enough people in your life who are always telling you that you are wrong, say the wrong thing, just out right hate you, don't like you, call you a bitch, that you are un-Christ like, well how can so many people be wrong? They aren't wrong, that's the plain and simple truth.  I really do think that at this point.  They are all right.  I'm wrong and that's that.  So why bother being around??? I don't understand the point? They don't like me, never have and I think those people are fake and yet I have to put up with them because they are family?  What a great definition of family they are all turning out to be! I have figured out I have a skewed sense of what family is suppose to be and I need to change that.  Family just treats each other like shit! I've not seen different from either side.  Really!  Family treats everyone like shit and because I think they shouldn't and whatever I'm wrong and need to let that go. 

 Let's face it, they are drowning out the small (and I do mean small) amount of people out there who say different.  All I am hearing right now is change the way you are or you won't be invited to things.  Change the way you talk about your walk with Christ because you aren't doing it right(this one isn't from family but I've heard it enough this year that it's right up there with everything else).  Change the way you do this...change what you say.  It's impossible to try and make myself ok in my body and mind and heart because the things I come up with are wrong and then people say do whatever you want and they'll go behind me and fix everything.  Isn't it interesting that even though I'm taking the lead here in my life and trying to make things better that it's not the right way?  So I'd like to know what the right way is because the just going along with it isn't working for me. Ignoring it and chalking it up to that's how they treat me/people and that's ok isn't working  My heart hurts...the anxiety attacks are outlandish for all the crap I've done in my life as a kid/adult! I can't stand to be around some people because I'm afraid to say anything because it might be the wrong thing or taken wrong or whatever they deem as hurtful  and then it's my fault again.  When did it become ok for people to not take responsibility for their actions...theirs and theirs alone?? And it's ok to blame it on other people because it's the easy way out??? And how are 'we' ok for letting people take the brunt and full force of it???


I don't even know where to begin, but I wrote of an issue back in May (but hid under the title Radio Silent-January 2013) dealing with an issue where I said something and that was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Received a phone call from a family member and I was informed that if I didn't quit acting like a bitch I was no longer allowed to come to family functions. That I better get my life in order and quit taking it out on the rest of the family (this was after I tried to be open/honest/vulnerable with said person.  To which I was also informed that it wasn't this family's problem the issues that I'm dealing with and that perhaps I should quit acting like a bitch so that family can help me...yea right after everything you just said to me you think I'm going to do that??? Dipwad!)  Which is RICH considering the source...this person hasn't wanted to be a part of the bigger family for as long as I have been around...anything to avoid their part in this family, any responsibility in the family...just out right avoidance...truly.  Then all the sudden they decide they want to be a part of this family and  apparently that gives him God given rights to walk around telling people to get their shit together or they won't be invited or allowed to family functions.  It's like the pot calling the kettle black.  I call bullshit!
 Anyway, people talked and I talked to a specific person finally that I needed to talk to and we worked it out.  However I strongly believe and feel that 2 other certain people who played a key and pivotal role in the destruction of me(for a lack of better words at the moment) should apologize.  It's been 2 months and there is no apology yet.  I still have pretty big (to me) anxiety about any time I have to be around these people.  I AM NOT SAFE!!  Meaning, my heart, head, and feelings are not safe with these people. Another way to put it is this: Anything I say or do will be used against me at some point in the now or the future.  They do not stop and think twice about how I might feel because of my place in this family.  I have butterflies in my stomach the whole time...worried about what I can/can't say...I should get an approved list of things to talk about and say!!  The other person in that situation takes liberties where they are not welcomed.  They somehow believe that because they are a 'figure head' they can make people say things just so they have to say them out loud. Well in case anyone hasn't heard/seen I have that 'figure head' in my life already  and I certainly don't need/want 2 of them!!! One is more than I can handle, and if I'm being honest that is shitty too.  So don't add, on purpose, stress and headaches because you feel like you can do those things!! I'm a 35 year old woman and I can fully take care of myself with or w/o your help thank you very much!  What people don't get is that as a little girl I swore to myself I would NOT be like my biological mother who can't do a dang thing for herself.  She always needed a man in her life and other people, friends/family,  to do stuff...I will not be that person, better yet I am NOT that person!!!

Here's the kicker to all the above though...I've been told that because I said I was fine with everything after I talked to this specific person that, well in a since I gotta let it go!  What the fuck!?!  Seriously??  Like the 2 other major drama queens don't have to say anything and they get away with stuff...again?? You gotta be shitting me!  I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, insomnia, anger, and frustration since this incidence and I have to just drop it?? Seriously??? I can't do that...that isn't me.  This isn't over for me...so either let me talk this out and deal with it or I have to find something else.  I don't know what else to do...I am not ok inside and when I tell you I'm not ok inside this is me reaching out to you because I don't know what else to do.  I'm praying hard to God to change my heart and mind every waking moment.  I get that time will ebb away the pain (and just so we are clear I think that line is a load of shit)  of all this but in the mean time what do I do with myself...my heart and mind??  What do I do???  Because listen here, I'm one crack in the wall,  away from just losing it and letting the tears flow...it's about all I can do to not cry these days.  The littlest things are getting harder and harder to ignore and not affect me.  I am trying to harden my heart...might as well really become what I'm told all the time that I am or implied that I am, right?  I am everyone's doormat, please wipe your feet on me.  I'll blare the music that much louder to drown out my screams for help, eventually I'll drown it all out and I'll just be a shell of who I am and that will make them all happy.  At least that's what I'm being told anyway.

The other side of it all is this other faction and I'm just baffled by all of them.  Really I don't even know where to begin with them.  I do know that it's my job to change the expectations of the relationship.  Harder than you think after so long.  Changing what you've had in your mind and heart of what that title holds is not something they can or want to give me.  Therefore, those ideas need to change.  It is really hard to just let that go and change it.  It pretty much means that I walk the rest of this life with no one with certain titles, and that's hard.  What is harder though is wanting those people in those roles and they don't fulfill them.  So let go and redefine I must.  However, even in doing that I am struggling with the fact that the abrasive personalities imply to me that they don't want me, damaged goods/garbage. Then there are some who are just outright insensitive and don't think much father than the end of their own nose, they are that blinded by themselves and their family.  Being the black sheep and all and who knows what else, how do you change everything about you?  Do you bother?  Do you walk away and spend the rest of your life alone, in a matter of speaking?  I wish I had the answer.  The only thing I've come up with is that I'm done flirting around issues...if I'm who they dislike so much I might as well do what they expect.  So I'm standing my ground and going to try and be honest and say what I'm feeling and thinking with in reason...with in reason.  Just enough that I keep my side of the court clean so to speak.  I can apply this to the previous issue also, because I've got nothing else other than to roll over and let them walk all over me.  I'm done...this is all I've got.

Right now I'm hiding in books, escaping my reality, I've got no where to go...no one is 'safe'.  I'll just keep praying that God changes my heart and my mind and that every moment I ask for forgiveness that he's there with me in the one of the hardest situations that I've had to deal with yet, since I was a teenager.  Lord please here my prayers!!!  I don't see any other way out

I want to be safe and I only feel like we just got there after a huge crisis several years ago and I'm right back to that crisis! How does that shit happen???  How do/did I find people who need drama to breathe??  My favorite line so far in all this is from one of the drama queens and it was this: Well why don't you feel safe? You know you are safe with us right? "  When you lie that much out of your mouth what does that feel like? Look like? Taste like? Do you lie awake chuckling at the sheer beauty of your manipulation of me? Do you get paid for what you do in some way? Why do you find pleasure in situations like this?

I really do feel that family is a load of crap right now and I've not seen any different...ever...ever...ever.  But then again I need to remember that everyone has their own definition of family and what that is.  Some just view family as other people to shit all over...so shit away people and take glory in your shit and that it doesn't stink. 

What else is there to say? I reap what I sow...right? So here it is in all it's glory! I am reaping away, what have I done??

Here is what there is left to say: I hope God changes my heart and that my faith and view in what family should be and can be will be restored, but it will be a long time in coming...I've not seen this ever (maybe my ideals are too much or my definition is wrong?) I am trying to scratch and claw my way out of this so bear with me people...this is my outlet for now until someone is willing to listen and help.

February Photo Challenge-Day 1

'Scrap'

A pile of scrap paper