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Follow Up

DISCLAIMER: This is about no one other than me or about my kid...so don't read too much into it!

I know I've been MIA of late of blogging something with a little more than a picture from my Photo Challenge, and there's a reason, many of them actually. 

A few weeks ago I was asked about a post on my blog and this person was upset about what I wrote about my feelings on something.  I'm frustrated because I'm not sure what the issue is since I didn't name anything or mention anyone by name.  And if you knew me and you knew what I was talking about but if not it was a rant.  Then I'm annoyed that I feel like I'm being stalked about what I write and about what I'm not writing.  This is my blog and it's about me and what I'm going through.  This is today's version of a diary, right!?!  How can you tell someone what to write or not write about?  I'm having a hard time letting this go, these feeling of frustration and anger, I am a work in progress and it will happen, in good time!  These things take time right?  Because after I deal with the issue at hand there are the other things that go along with it that I have to deal with, it's like a never ending, depressing circle! 

Like I said before, divorce is ugly and I'm left holding pieces again, so while trying to deal with these issue I write.  Something I learned in 3 or 4 years of counseling.  And in this process come good things, small moments in my day where it dawns on me just why I am so angry about divorce and the one I'm having to deal with.  Granted it's a bit easier after the holidays but like I mentioned before I felt like I was grieving for the loss of a person and a thing for several people, including me!  Along with the grieving came anger and a lot of it, and through writing that post I figured out just why I am so angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I and my family, were abandoned with out so much as a screw you and the horse you rode in on or a good bye.  Nothing, Nada, zilch. All the sudden my insecurities of being abandoned were brought right back up to my face, now I know what I need to deal with.  These issues of being abandoned come from a crappy childhood of many people not doing what they should have, and being abandoned by family and biological parents...who didn't do the things they should have done or needed to do to keep me, they abandoned me.  Hence the anger when I feel like there was no goodbye or anything.  Part of it is I don't know where the relationship is suppose to go or where I stand.  I'm still confused...I feel like I'm 7 again.

So here I am wondering what the heck to do and where I stand and people are 'stalking' my page and then I'm asked about my blog...do you think any of those questions I asked were answered?  Nope.  You know what's even better?  My 8 year old son the other day started asking questions about said divorce...before 8 in the fricken morning.  Not the way I wanted to start my day.

His questions are what bring up more anger for me, I am mad I even have to address this issue with my 8 year old.  Questions I never dreamt I would have to think long and hard on and answer so as to not sway him one way or the other, so that he'll form his own thoughts.  My heart breaks in pieces when his chin quivers as he's asking me what IF I divorced his dad, where would I live?  REALLY!?! He wants to know if this person whose left will ever come back.  I had to say no, no they won't.  They will still be around and you will probably see them from time to time but no.  How do you tell them that they aren't, for a lack of a better word, part of our family anymore?  That they are his cousins family but this person has no obligations to us anymore.  No more camping trips, no more holidays, no more birthdays (to which he was shocked...gotta love kids)...this person is no more obligated to do anything unless they make a choice to?  I said I knew it would be weird and I know how frustrating and that I knew how much he was hurting when you feel like they just left with out saying goodbye or why things are the way they are.  He flat out and looked at me and said well mom, you haven't answered one of my questions.  I asked what.  He said well you haven't told me why they got divorced.  I had to look at him yet again and tell him I didn't know, and if truth were told Lee it wasn't any of my business or anyone else's.  It was between these two people, and as much as I hate to tell you this I can only guess at why, because lots of people get divorced.  It's not a good thing and it gets ugly, people get divorced over things like money, betrayal, or they just don't love each other like husband and wife anymore.  They love each other because they are someones mom and dad but that's it.  I had to explain to him that there were other people already in these people's lives that for at least one of them who has an 'other' we (and we I do mean me, this is a really hard issue for me) are going to have to make a better effort than we've been making???  That was a crappy day and it all happened before 8 am in the morning...shitty!  Yes I said it, sometimes those are the only words that can appropriately describe what a person is feeling.  Sigh...I'm done with the tears (Lee's and mine), the quiver chins, and the inability for Lee to fully grasp and comprehend what is going on in his world, most of what he knows about love and marriage are shown by the adults in his life...these things have been rocked to the core in his world! These are the pieces of life I'm left holding...pieces of his innocence...

 UGH! It just doesn't feel right! Not one bit of this feels right so how do you make the effort when all I want to do is just not?  I don't want to put myself out there and try all over again, it's too hard and takes too much effort.  Yes I'm Debbie Downer today, but this has been really bothering me, especially that other people get upset about what I'm writing about that I'm dealing with.  Get your own blog and stalk other people! Honestly!

I am working on moving on, really I am. Now that I know a few pertinent details about myself I know what to work on, and I know the letting go will come with time and the anger may not go away but it will lessen.  Really it's not my life and if this shows me anything, I need to focus on my marriage...apparently people are worried about that *drama*.  Sigh...I've managed to put myself on more radar's than I'd like to be on.

Well I feel better 'ish...now to the moving on and getting me ok and better in my life, along with my kids!  It's been almost a year since this all started so all our firsts are all almost over and hopefully we'll leave the crappy year we had behind and we'll work on a better year and I'll work on me being a good mom, good Auntie (you know it's my joy!), a good wife, and a good friend!  No small feat but doable!

Comments

  1. Totally do-able! If those people were really concerned about it they would talk to you in person like an adult. Do not spend anymore time worrying about it. Write it all out, your blog, your feelings, your kids. No worries.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anita - Its your blog, its your feeling and feelings are not right or wrong, they just are YOUR feelings. Quit fussing about one person and go on with your blog. I love you and know what you went through and you are the wonderful person - mother, friend or wife (sorry lol)and go on. Love you bunches sweet lady, chin up, dry eyes and I wanted the new word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Grandma Lea :) I posted the new word for the challenge last night, it's
      'Crime'...good luck!

      Delete

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