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I have dated this since I'm going to in a sense 'hide' this post.  If it gets seen then it gets seen but it's not out there for everyone to see.  It's the way things are for right now. 

I'm not in a good place...again...I hate that I'm so repetitive and so boring.  But here I am, in all my sickness and damaged goods.  Because lets face it, I am damaged goods.  No matter how you put it, based off my life in the past and the now and the future...things will always be misshapen.  You have enough people in your life who are always telling you that you are wrong, say the wrong thing, just out right hate you, don't like you, call you a bitch, that you are un-Christ like, well how can so many people be wrong? They aren't wrong, that's the plain and simple truth.  I really do think that at this point.  They are all right.  I'm wrong and that's that.  So why bother being around??? I don't understand the point? They don't like me, never have and I think those people are fake and yet I have to put up with them because they are family?  What a great definition of family they are all turning out to be! I have figured out I have a skewed sense of what family is suppose to be and I need to change that.  Family just treats each other like shit! I've not seen different from either side.  Really!  Family treats everyone like shit and because I think they shouldn't and whatever I'm wrong and need to let that go. 

 Let's face it, they are drowning out the small (and I do mean small) amount of people out there who say different.  All I am hearing right now is change the way you are or you won't be invited to things.  Change the way you talk about your walk with Christ because you aren't doing it right(this one isn't from family but I've heard it enough this year that it's right up there with everything else).  Change the way you do this...change what you say.  It's impossible to try and make myself ok in my body and mind and heart because the things I come up with are wrong and then people say do whatever you want and they'll go behind me and fix everything.  Isn't it interesting that even though I'm taking the lead here in my life and trying to make things better that it's not the right way?  So I'd like to know what the right way is because the just going along with it isn't working for me. Ignoring it and chalking it up to that's how they treat me/people and that's ok isn't working  My heart hurts...the anxiety attacks are outlandish for all the crap I've done in my life as a kid/adult! I can't stand to be around some people because I'm afraid to say anything because it might be the wrong thing or taken wrong or whatever they deem as hurtful  and then it's my fault again.  When did it become ok for people to not take responsibility for their actions...theirs and theirs alone?? And it's ok to blame it on other people because it's the easy way out??? And how are 'we' ok for letting people take the brunt and full force of it???

I don't even know where to begin, but I wrote of an issue back in May (but hid under the title Radio Silent-January 2013) dealing with an issue where I said something and that was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Received a phone call from a family member and I was informed that if I didn't quit acting like a bitch I was no longer allowed to come to family functions. That I better get my life in order and quit taking it out on the rest of the family (this was after I tried to be open/honest/vulnerable with said person.  To which I was also informed that it wasn't this family's problem the issues that I'm dealing with and that perhaps I should quit acting like a bitch so that family can help me...yea right after everything you just said to me you think I'm going to do that??? Dipwad!)  Which is RICH considering the source...this person hasn't wanted to be a part of the bigger family for as long as I have been around...anything to avoid their part in this family, any responsibility in the family...just out right avoidance...truly.  Then all the sudden they decide they want to be a part of this family and  apparently that gives him God given rights to walk around telling people to get their shit together or they won't be invited or allowed to family functions.  It's like the pot calling the kettle black.  I call bullshit!
 Anyway, people talked and I talked to a specific person finally that I needed to talk to and we worked it out.  However I strongly believe and feel that 2 other certain people who played a key and pivotal role in the destruction of me(for a lack of better words at the moment) should apologize.  It's been 2 months and there is no apology yet.  I still have pretty big (to me) anxiety about any time I have to be around these people.  I AM NOT SAFE!!  Meaning, my heart, head, and feelings are not safe with these people. Another way to put it is this: Anything I say or do will be used against me at some point in the now or the future.  They do not stop and think twice about how I might feel because of my place in this family.  I have butterflies in my stomach the whole time...worried about what I can/can't say...I should get an approved list of things to talk about and say!!  The other person in that situation takes liberties where they are not welcomed.  They somehow believe that because they are a 'figure head' they can make people say things just so they have to say them out loud. Well in case anyone hasn't heard/seen I have that 'figure head' in my life already  and I certainly don't need/want 2 of them!!! One is more than I can handle, and if I'm being honest that is shitty too.  So don't add, on purpose, stress and headaches because you feel like you can do those things!! I'm a 35 year old woman and I can fully take care of myself with or w/o your help thank you very much!  What people don't get is that as a little girl I swore to myself I would NOT be like my biological mother who can't do a dang thing for herself.  She always needed a man in her life and other people, friends/family,  to do stuff...I will not be that person, better yet I am NOT that person!!!

Here's the kicker to all the above though...I've been told that because I said I was fine with everything after I talked to this specific person that, well in a since I gotta let it go!  What the fuck!?!  Seriously??  Like the 2 other major drama queens don't have to say anything and they get away with stuff...again?? You gotta be shitting me!  I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, insomnia, anger, and frustration since this incidence and I have to just drop it?? Seriously??? I can't do that...that isn't me.  This isn't over for either let me talk this out and deal with it or I have to find something else.  I don't know what else to do...I am not ok inside and when I tell you I'm not ok inside this is me reaching out to you because I don't know what else to do.  I'm praying hard to God to change my heart and mind every waking moment.  I get that time will ebb away the pain (and just so we are clear I think that line is a load of shit)  of all this but in the mean time what do I do with heart and mind??  What do I do???  Because listen here, I'm one crack in the wall,  away from just losing it and letting the tears's about all I can do to not cry these days.  The littlest things are getting harder and harder to ignore and not affect me.  I am trying to harden my heart...might as well really become what I'm told all the time that I am or implied that I am, right?  I am everyone's doormat, please wipe your feet on me.  I'll blare the music that much louder to drown out my screams for help, eventually I'll drown it all out and I'll just be a shell of who I am and that will make them all happy.  At least that's what I'm being told anyway.

The other side of it all is this other faction and I'm just baffled by all of them.  Really I don't even know where to begin with them.  I do know that it's my job to change the expectations of the relationship.  Harder than you think after so long.  Changing what you've had in your mind and heart of what that title holds is not something they can or want to give me.  Therefore, those ideas need to change.  It is really hard to just let that go and change it.  It pretty much means that I walk the rest of this life with no one with certain titles, and that's hard.  What is harder though is wanting those people in those roles and they don't fulfill them.  So let go and redefine I must.  However, even in doing that I am struggling with the fact that the abrasive personalities imply to me that they don't want me, damaged goods/garbage. Then there are some who are just outright insensitive and don't think much father than the end of their own nose, they are that blinded by themselves and their family.  Being the black sheep and all and who knows what else, how do you change everything about you?  Do you bother?  Do you walk away and spend the rest of your life alone, in a matter of speaking?  I wish I had the answer.  The only thing I've come up with is that I'm done flirting around issues...if I'm who they dislike so much I might as well do what they expect.  So I'm standing my ground and going to try and be honest and say what I'm feeling and thinking with in reason...with in reason.  Just enough that I keep my side of the court clean so to speak.  I can apply this to the previous issue also, because I've got nothing else other than to roll over and let them walk all over me.  I'm done...this is all I've got.

Right now I'm hiding in books, escaping my reality, I've got no where to one is 'safe'.  I'll just keep praying that God changes my heart and my mind and that every moment I ask for forgiveness that he's there with me in the one of the hardest situations that I've had to deal with yet, since I was a teenager.  Lord please here my prayers!!!  I don't see any other way out

I want to be safe and I only feel like we just got there after a huge crisis several years ago and I'm right back to that crisis! How does that shit happen???  How do/did I find people who need drama to breathe??  My favorite line so far in all this is from one of the drama queens and it was this: Well why don't you feel safe? You know you are safe with us right? "  When you lie that much out of your mouth what does that feel like? Look like? Taste like? Do you lie awake chuckling at the sheer beauty of your manipulation of me? Do you get paid for what you do in some way? Why do you find pleasure in situations like this?

I really do feel that family is a load of crap right now and I've not seen any different...ever...ever...ever.  But then again I need to remember that everyone has their own definition of family and what that is.  Some just view family as other people to shit all shit away people and take glory in your shit and that it doesn't stink. 

What else is there to say? I reap what I sow...right? So here it is in all it's glory! I am reaping away, what have I done??

Here is what there is left to say: I hope God changes my heart and that my faith and view in what family should be and can be will be restored, but it will be a long time in coming...I've not seen this ever (maybe my ideals are too much or my definition is wrong?) I am trying to scratch and claw my way out of this so bear with me people...this is my outlet for now until someone is willing to listen and help.


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