Thursday, April 18, 2013

Loopy De Loops

I have been pondering what to blog about the last few day and I'm still not really sure.  I know that I have many things going on right now that I can't talk about right now. Other things I can talk about but I'm not sure really where to begin or how to fully tell the back story to it all.

So this post might seem sporadic but it encompasses a few months time, so  here it goes:

1) If you are going to ask my opinion and then I tell you that you don't really want my opinion...don't get pissy at me if you don't like what I have to say in the end. Just trust me when I tell you, you don't really want my opinion.  Just a rule of thumb.  In the end my opinion doesn't really matter because I am not paying for said event...and then have a few people, some  who don't even matter to the event, go behind my back and talk about me?  Are we in highschool? Not only do they talk behind my back but they do it so my husband can hear? That boggles my mind. Be adult enough and say it so I can hear you or don't say it at whatever! Better yet...if you don't know me don't make assumptions...I might have a very good reason for my opinion...and you yours.

2 )Because I don't show my faith like you think I should  doesn't mean I don't have my faith or walk the walk. I just do it differently. I do it quietly and under the radar.  Also, you shouldn't walk into a place and say I want to be like so and so...First God calls us to be our very own person. So be yourself...if you don't like what's going on, help be the solution not the problem!  I have never wanted to throw someone out of my house so badly as I have this year...I'm still processing those feelings, they are powerful and overwhelming. Next, just because I'm not shouting CHRIST at the top of my lungs every 5 minutes doesn't mean I don't have my own walk with Christ and my own story of how I came to Christ.  Have you bothered to ask me my story? Nope didn't think so...too busy pointing fingers at what you don't like...too busy being so judgmental.  If you were to go by that line of thought, that because I don't do what you think I should do or say every time a word comes out of my mouth about faith and Christ, then you would have to say that my marriage is a loveless one.  Why you ask...well because we don't publicly show our love for each other.  We rarely hold hands in public, we don't kiss in public (I can't even think of a time except our wedding when we did)...we are NOT big PDA people.  So based off the assumption that I'm not a holy roller or bible thumper I don't have a walk with Christ therefore I, by those same rules, have a loveless marriage.  Go figure! Great powers of deduction that you have.  My marriage has it's ups and downs and all arounds and loopy de loops like everyone else, good Lord it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes!!! Welcome to Life!

3) I am tired of being made to feel 3inches tall because my husband takes my kids by HIMSELF to functions. He IS their dad after all...logic would assume you know?  I'm tired of tiptoeing around the fact that I'm married vs. the single mom out there. Tired of the egg shells.  It's not my fault if you are single for whatever the reason is.  It's not my fault that my children's father takes them somewhere so I can stay home by myself for 2 hours.  For as many moms that are out there helping their daughters with new babies and what not's...(which I didn't and don't have) there are husbands out there doing what they signed up to do.  I do the same for him...I take the kids while he stays home.  BIG FUCKING DEAL! You knew what you were getting into just like I knew or had a pretty good idea of what I was walking into family wise and person wise. Same for my husband ...he didn't walk into this blind...he knew the back assward mess he was getting himself into. There are no surprises here!  Deal with it.  I'm dealing with my own crap just like you are and again...NOT my fault so quit trying to make me feel bad and quit trying to make it my fault! DONE!

4) I am a mother to 4 boys.  Please quit throwing in my face about how many kids you have and how tired you are and all that other bullshit to explain away why you don't get your shit done.  I have 4 kids, I get it AND...I get my stuff done.  Does my house look like a black hole half the time...YES! Am I tired? YES! But I manage to get my stuff done...I signed up for something I said I would do it I'll do it!  I'm tired of hearing why your late...saying you gotta get 4 kids somewhere...I get 4 kids somewhere and get somewhere on time.  Plan accordingly...make what you committed too a priority too.  You said you were gonna do something...DO IT!  Tired of hearing about how many kids so and so has so cut them some slack...honestly! Don't get me wrong...I know how ugly what I have written sounds...but I've been hearing this crap for a year now...if it was once in awhile I'd be more understanding. Now I'm just pissed when I hear it and wonder when I can use these excuses and just who the hell would fall for it that I know of.  I still haven't come up with anyone. 

5) If you think I'm talking about you...I'm probably not.

6) Change is really hard

7) Cancer sucks and relationships are hard...combine the 2 and well I'm outta words for that one.  Just know that because one was struggling to begin with doesn't mean the other negates the whole thing or wipes the slate clean again.  I can't even figure out my thoughts and feelings on that one...been a month at least and I'm still processing. Just know I'm stumbling around in the dark on this one!

8) I have planned to walk out on a limb and put myself out there on something I know to be big for me and try really hard to not get my expectations up.  Hard I know.  If it doesn't happen it will be ok, eventually and I'll try again.

9) What in the WORLD do I want to be when I grow up! Why is this so hard!?!  Sheesh!

10) I am done and I feel a bit better by doing this. However I wonder if I'm prepared for the backlash...just page not yours...


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Auntie! People who know me are who count...the others will just fall to the wayside.