Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Recently Found Ramblings Of A Crazy Lady

It's been a rough go lately here, between kids, life, kids, and the other stuff that creeps into your life.  In all of that I've had a few moments where things have been clear and made sense.  Mind you this all happens while I'm cleaning or trying to sleep and my brain can't shut off (those are the nights I hate actually).

Come March we will be through our year of 1st with the divorce we are all dealing with.  I'm still left feeling like I'm holding piece of a wreck but not as many.  In this year I've been on the nastiest roller coaster out there, but good has come of it...well for me that is :)  Earlier I wrote about how angry I was and how hard it was to deal with it.  It was hard because this was something I didn't want and it took me a long time to discover why I was so angry.

What an AHA! moment that was.  You know as a kid with issues (that's me...kid with issues) I had to really dissect just what was making me so mad.  You know what I found out?  A few things I know about myself for sure...I know that I'm a food hoarder and panic about food, I am someone who deals with abondonment issues, and a few others.  Did anything pop out to you?  This divorce brought up abondonment issues for me.  Biological parents abondon me, several other people abondoned me.  So when you add this divorce into it all...Well what can I say.  I felt like I was being abondoned and so were my kids.  We were being walked out on without so much as a good by , it was nice knowing you and no looking back. 

I know it's not my personal divorce, even if it does affect me in a round about way.  I think everyone has their breaking points and boundries or grounds for divorce.  I have mine...my husband has his...are they anybody's business...no...do they affect everyone around us...YUP!  Is any of this my business and do what other people decide to do in their marriage anything I should worry about?  Probably not but I do, I stress out about it and make myself sick and lose sleep.  Would I like an explanation, well a better one than what was given that would give more answers than questions...You betcha...am I gonna get it? Nope.  Am I entitled? Nope.  Any of my business? Nope.

So here I type my feelings down on my blog about how I feel and how things affect me and that is the  best I can do with what I know.  I'll be honest wiht you, it's very theraputic for me and by doing it I get to these points where I can say, ok..I'm mad because I feel like I was abondoned.  Now that I know that I need to work on healing myself, and that's what I'm doing by typing.  After having been in therapy for several years, 3 or 4 I believe, and writing at least 1 diary each of those years I know the benifits for me to do these.  Let's face it, blogging is just a new version of writing in your diary. 

Update: 12/6/12
I just found this and felt since it's my blog and I can say what I want...I will...so there!

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