Monday, December 5, 2011

Dear Diary

It has been quite the last few weeks here in my house...or it could be with just me.  I tend to think the latter.  Actually it's been a rough several months

First being that it's the holidays and I would really love to figure out why I hate the holidays.  I can point to a few things but I truly would love to celebrate Eli's birthday and then skip right on to February...OK well we could celebrate Lee's birthday in January...hhhmmm wonder if he'd notice?  Anyway...this time of year is really just down right annoying and depressing. 

Second is dealing with divorce...many dear diary moments on this one.  Not my divorce but the divorce of a brother and sister in law.  This is probably what keeps me up most of the night and what I have cried myself to sleep over the most lately.  I am grieving the loss of a marriage, the loss for 2 nephews, the loss for each of the adults and the loss for them.  I am also grieving the loss of someone whom I've gotten to know over the last 10 years, who will no longer be in our family...I mean in our family.  If that makes any sense...if not...well I don't know.  My head can tell me they are happier apart I can see that, however my heart tells me different...WAY different!  I am also extremely angry at the 2 of them for a lot of things...the divorce and making me deal with something like this.  I have had divorce in my family before, however I've not had it in my face nor have I had to deal with it like I have to now.  I am beyond angry that I recently had to tell my children about this divorce.  My 2 big kids understood, Dru and Eli not a clue (so sad for them that they won't know different).  I can't erase my Lee's devastated face out of my brain.  It is seared there.  He cried for a good while and then when asked why I said they didn't love each other anymore (hindsight being I should have said something else but I don't think quick on my feet), he started crying all over again and the look on his face over that...Oh man!  THEN...THEN!!! My kids got worried about their mom and dad getting divorced (which I'm sure is a natural thought process, but still...because of these 2 people my sons questioned their parent's marriage!!!!!) so we assured them we were fine, we still love each other.  They took a piece of my child's innocence that day, never to get back.
 So between grieving and being beyond angry I now have to deal with them having either a boyfriend or girlfriend during said separation while getting a divorce...nice...thanks guys!  I'm not ready to deal with that...see what I'm saying about the dear diary moments?  Thanksgiving was a BLAST...not! 

And just so we are clear...the people who are getting the divorce who tell people like me that the divorce changes nothing...well they are liars.  Divorce changes everything!!!! Who fits where and in what picture? What is our relationship now? Where do people go from here?  Here's my the people who get divorces thing about the lasting effects this has on people outside their small circle?  I mean REALLY think about it, weigh it?  Because in the long path of a divorce I'm left behind holding the pieces to the wreckage they have caused.  Enough of that depressing and on going issue for me...and this is just a condensed version.

Thirdly...putting my big girl or Super Woman panties today to stick up for myself (and any other day) has not been worth it.  Just know that it's always my fault.  I don't see it changing anytime soon.

Last but not least...when shopping on a budget for groceries...when buying toilet us just AS important to read all labels and such of the package closely.  I bought last payday a package of TP from a brand I thought would be just fine, saved a few cents...important right?  Not when you might as well be wiping with your hand instead of the toilet paper you just bought.  Apparently the Scott toilet paper I bought is only 1ply...SERIOUSLY!  To which Frank said when I noticed that (cause I didn't notice until the next day when I used it) we must be poor if we are down to 1ply...thanks for the dab (yes I went there) of humor Frank!  You know though it breaks down much nicer than the 2 or 3 ply says.  So the labels and such on everything!!!  Next along that line, last week there was a run on jumper cables in my town...I think it's a conspiracy.  Frank's truck got 'sick' last week and we had to fix it and jump the truck a few times until we got it home.  I told Frank to buy a pair while he went to pick up the car part for the truck...they were out.  OF COURSE THEY WERE!  IT'S US!!

Welcome to my pity can see yourself out or stay and comiserate...whatever...   :)


  1. I will sit a while. I'll have a hot chocolate and a cookie please.

  2. So, I'm still here too. I have chocolate pumpkin cookies w/dark chocolate chips...I will have a few of those with some apple cider...

    Still trying to pick the wedgie out from my Super Woman underwear...