Thursday, January 26, 2012

Radio Silent

                                                                                                                May 2013

I have been wanting to blog for awhile now and for a lot of reasons I haven't.  Life has been rough since last Saturday. 

I don't' even know where to begin but the short version is this has been a really rough year and I'm really ready to be done.  I have had more people this year attack my and my character and I'm so over it. 

It all started in January focused around 1 woman which then involved a whole group of women and then my mom and her battle with cancer and what that all entails for our relationship or lack there of.  Really it's a lack there of, which is hard but it's my doing because our relationship needs to change because I'm not getting nor are my kids getting what they need from particular titles.  That has been a rough journey.  Then dealing with family in general is never easy...EVER. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  Frank and I found out last Saturday that we were intentionally left out or not invited to a 30th birthday party that was in the family.  Not only did they not have the decency to keep it a secret everyone was OK talking about in front of us.  Can we talk about dumping a pound of salt in a ginormous wound!?!  Seriously.  If you are going to do that make sure I know I'm not invited OR keep it a fucking secret and make sure everyone knows that! So just yet another situation in which Frank and I get our feelings hurt...his brothers are always getting together and never inviting us.  BUT apparently it's because of me and how I treat people, and just so you all know I have the power to make people cry! I have made my MIL cry, 2 SIL's cry AND let us not forget the new girlfriend cry.  POWER PEOPLE!!!  Not only do I control the weather and many other things I hold the immense power to make people cry.  Go ahead...take that ALL in!  I'm still processing all that.

According to said mouth piece and many other family members who he's talked to (NOT ME)  I am a mean person and I'm an ugly person and if I don't change my ways and how I treat and respect people then I won't be invited to family events anymore.  I love how 1 guy who has NOTHING to do with the family for YEARS all the sudden becomes the mouth piece for the whole family.  Seriously...I get the idea of the Prodigal son but honestly...maybe he should get all sides of the story before he decides to lay accusations haphazardly!  Boy he laid into me like he knew just what the hell he was saying and like he knew the whole story.  Just so you know, he didn't and he started a whole mess, he poked the bees nest!  So for 2 days I had been dealing with this crap and the things people were saying and the things that were left unsaid were speaking the loudest by some people.  And mostly the things that were left unsaid is that after 14/15 years in this family not one person stopped to think about me, my feelings and the fact that I am not acting or the person they are implying I am.  For the record, when I say you DON'T want my opinion and I continue to repeat it, I mean it.  You don't want my opinion, because in the grand scheme of things it isn't going to stop you or change your mind.  90% of the worlds populations isn't going to agree with my thoughts and morals. I know this, so unless you are a safe person I can speak my opinion too w/o repercussions then I will. Otherwise, let it go and just know I don't want to and it's probably for the best!  Then of course if you badger me enough and I tell you, have the decency to not be shocked at what I say...because you already know what I'm going to say.  Quit playing manipulative games, I grew up that way, have mastered it and am in contact with 2 women who do it also to benefit them.  Manipulation is always ugly I have never seen it used right, even by me.

 NOW, I will say that some of the things he was upset about that I did, he was right...they were mean and hurtful.  Not saying my reasons excuse my behavior AT all, and I agree I needed to apologize for those 2 actions.  One was TWO years ago people and I haven't done what they say I did for well over a year!  So I STILL needed to apologize for that...*eye rolling* but whatever. If it's going to end this craziness then I do it, because I need my sleep and when I'm considering sleeping aides and tea with Vodka...and running on 4 hours of sleep.  It's time to end this stupid charade.  So I took care of my end....I'm still waiting for my apology.........................yet again.......................

Sigh, anyway, long suffering story short.  BIG shit stormed happened and I tried to explain from my point of view and really just asked people to see where I was coming from and no one could seem to do it. So in the end I talked to the one person who this all centered around (besides me) might as well drag her through the mud too since we were already covered in shit.  Talked to her and we worked it out.  Two years in this family and there are expectations of me that are too high and she needs to lower them .....A LOT! I won't succeed if they aren't lowered and most are not ever going to be who I am.  Some days it's a big dang deal for me to say hi to people, so take it where you can get it and quit expecting the Taj mahal (I have no idea how to spell that). And please tell me why everyone rallied around here and not one person except for my husband stood behind me and said this isn't OK, the things that you are saying and doing are not OK??? They have known me for 15 years and her for would THINK that they would stop and go...something isn't right here...this doesn't seem right.  MAYBE we should talk to Anita and see what's up and what her thoughts are before people fly off the handle.  We know her and she's better than that.  Right!?!  Whatever

So once again I put my foot forward first...AGAIN...and apologized for my small part in it and of course I'm still waiting for the apology of the said male asshole for being a big asshole and doing what he did and saying the horrific things he said to and about me. 

There's my life in the last 2 days and the year...that pretty much sums up my year...people have tromped all over me and again I was the one that started the apology and I'm here to tell you just how physically draining and emotionally exhausting always being the one who starts first and who apologizes first.  Some days keeping my side of the sidewalk clean is more than I can do, really.  One of these days I'm going to blow the biggest top ever and people are going to be sitting there with their mouths wide open wondering just what the hell happened and where that all came from! 

Trust me, there were many that were shocked I did what I did to stand my ground THIS time.  Just you all won't be surprised but they all will be.

I know this doesn't go in order and probably makes no sense but It needed to get out in some form and this is the best form I know how.

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